


i won't live without your constellation, reach out my love 'cause i can't hold on forever

by bearer_of_light



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Artist Clarke Griffin, Childhood Sweethearts, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Lawyer Lexa, Minor Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Past Relationship(s), Strangers to Lovers, but not really, but two who are meant to be find a way to each other no matter what, it's also kinda hsau, life got in the way, lovers to strangers, they have a complicated history
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-06-21 09:42:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 34,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15554961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearer_of_light/pseuds/bearer_of_light
Summary: “Good,” Clarke turned back to the sea. “I wish I brought my stuff with us. I could’ve painted you the color of my eyes so you never forget.”“I don’t think I’ll ever forget.”A story about two girls who lost each other but eventually found one another again because an ocean separates lands not souls.





	1. Chapter 1

“Are you sure you wanna do this?”

“My brother and my friend are getting married, are you sure you wanna ask me that?”

“She’s gonna be there.”

“I know, I told you that, remember.”

“Why are you pretending to not be bothered by it?”

“Why do you assume I am?”

“I’ve known you for ten years, I was there when it all went to shit and almost every day since, you can’t fake it with me,” Costia squeezed Lexa’s hand harder. “I know you Lex.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“I know when it was and I also know it doesn’t matter because you…”

“Let it go Costia,” Lexa sighed. “Just let it go.”

“I’m just saying, we can still turn around if you don’t wanna do it.”

“We are in front of their door.”

“We are not inside, yet, are we?”

Lexa chuckled and knocked on the door, “Thank you,” she whispered to Costia, “I’ll yell if I can’t manage it.”

The door in front of them swung open and Lincoln appeared behind it. “Finally,” he hugged first Lexa then Costia. “Fashionably late,” he glared at Lexa.

“Sorry, I got stuck at work,” she shrugged. “This is for you, since you forbade me to bring anything else,” she gave him a bottle of bourbon.

“I told you to not bring anything.”

“My big brother is gonna get married, I couldn’t do that, could I?”

“You’ll never change,” Lincoln smiled. “Get in,” he moved to the side and let them come through.

“Where’s your future wife? I have to hug her and wish her good luck. I know better than anyone how much she’s gonna need it.”

“I think she knows what she’s getting into,” he grinned. “She’s somewhere with Cl-,” Lincoln bit his tongue then added, “she’s somewhere around here.”

“Where’s our sister?,” Lexa pretended she didn’t hear the first part of that sentence.

“I can see her,” Costia pulled Lexa’s hand. “Let’s leave Lincoln to attend to his guests,” she lifted her brow.

“Let’s,” Lexa said.

Costia hooked her hand under Lexa’s and led her to where she saw Anya. “There’s a lot of people here.”

“Costia, I’m not gonna hide from her,” Lexa chuckled.

“Maybe you should,” Costia said. “You are all brave and unbothered now, but I’m not so sure you’re gonna be all that once you see her.”

“What are we whispering about?,” Anya joined them when they got close enough.

“Costia wants me to play hide and seek.”

“No, I just don’t want you to break your own heart all over again.”

“Costia.”

“Lex.” 

“No matter what happens, I can assure you that  _ that  _ won’t happen.”

“If it makes you feel any better I still haven’t seen her,” Anya said.

“Where’s Raven?,” Costia looked around looking for Anya’s girlfriend.

“She disappeared into the night when we came.”

Costia shook her head, “I don’t understand how is everyone so obsessed with her after all these years.”

“Be careful Costia,” Lexa warned her.

“Lexa!,” a voice so familiar Lexa could identify it in the crowd of hundred similar called her name. She turned around and saw a woman to whom it belonged smiling at her. “It’s been so long,” the woman put her hands around Lexa’s back and hugged her.

“Hi Abby,” Lexa smiled softly.

“You look good,” Abby grinned, “are you?”

“Perfect,” Lexa said.

“I heard you were doing great but you never come back home anymore,” Abby said.

“Home is now a different place,” Lexa smiled.

“A mini reunion,” now Lexa’s mom was also there. She kissed Costia’s cheek and hugged her daughter.

“Almost,” Abby said. “I’m gonna go find Marcus, I lost him somewhere,” she chuckled, “but don’t you dare leave without saying goodbye,” she said to Lexa.

“I wouldn’t even dream.”

Lexa felt her mom’s hand on her back, “How did it go?,” she asked her.

“Win.”

“Of course,” Indra smiled. “What are our thoughts about this joint?,” she looked around the room.

“I think we should hide in some corner,” Costia said.

Indra laughed, “Woods don’t hide, isn’t that so girls?,” she said. “But I have to warn you,” she looked at Lexa, “she looks like not a single day has passed.”

“You saw her?”

“Yes, that one’s,” Indra pointed her finger at Anya, “girlfriend brought her to me,” she said. “Just remember to be brave,” she squeezed Lexa’s shoulder. “Imagine you’re in court.”

“I don’t know why everyone keeps telling me that as if I’m gonna crumble when I see her.”

“That’s because we know you and we love you and we would hate to see you hurt,” Indra said. “I’m gonna go find your brother and see if he needs any help.”

“I’m gonna need something to drink if this is what this night is gonna look like,” Lexa took a deep breath. “Do you two want something?,” she asked Anya and Costia.  They both shook their heads. “And before you say anything, yes I can do it on my own,” Lexa chuckled.

She turned around and skimmed around the room until she found where the bar was. She sneaked around a bunch of people she didn’t want to say hi to, and around many more whose names she didn’t know. Costia was right, there were so many people there that if someone wanted to, they could easily be lost somewhere in the middle of it all. 

The space around the bar was pretty empty. She found a bottle of whiskey, a clean glass and poured herself a drink and then another one. If the night was going to look anything like she imagined it to look like, then she’s gonna need all the drinks she could get.

Lexa still had a long way back to where Anya and Costia were, navigating through a lot of people, praying no one would stop her. She turned around getting ready to go back to them when it happened. 

It was an almost type of thing. Like when you trip and you almost fall. Or when you eat something hot and you almost burn your tongue. The type of almost that can happen and you know you’d survive, but you’d be much happier if it never happened. Like when you almost spill your drink on Clarke Griffin’s blue dress.

Lexa forgot about being fine, about time and about not being a kid anymore. Her mom was right. Clarke looked like not a single day had passed. Sure, her hair was shorter, and her smile was tamer but her eyes were still that same blue that haunted Lexa for years after she last saw them.

“Sorry,” the sound that came out of Lexa’s mouth was one she hadn’t heard in years. What was to be expected when you don’t breathe and you feel like you’re gonna pass out from how hard your heart is pounding in your chest. But she had to say something, she had to turn off the silence that brought out voices she wasn’t ready to hear.

“It’s o-”

“Hey babe, there you are,” a dark haired man put his hand around Clarke’s back and down on her hip. “I’ve been looking for you,” he kissed her cheek. Clarke’s eyes never left hers, but they turned to something Lexa couldn’t name, something she never hoped to see. “Hi,” the guy said to her, expecting something in return. Lexa knew who he was. Lincoln had warned her about Clarke’s new boyfriend. It felt strange to hear it and even stranger to think about it. 

“Lexa, nice to meet you,” she shook his hand. He didn’t look like that meant anything to him.

“This is Finn,” Clarke shifted uncomfortably under his grip. 

“Clarke’s boyfriend,” he added. “She keeps forgetting to say it,” he kissed her again. “Are you Lincoln’s or Octavia’s friend?”

“Lincoln is my brother and Octavia is a friend,” she said. 

“Oh, so you must have went to school with this one,” he looked at Clarke.

“Yes,” a short answer was sometimes the best answer. “I have to go now. It was nice to meet you Finn.”

The road back to safety was way longer than Lexa had hoped. First Monty stopped her then Maya then Wells. The buzzing in her ears made it impossible for her to hear or talk or be.

“Jesus, you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Anya said when she saw her. She furrowed her brows and cupped Lexa’s face. She looked over Lexa’s shoulder and saw Clarke. “You did see a ghost.”

“I’m fine,” Lexa pulled Anya’s hand from her face.

“Do you wanna go?,” Costia asked with a worried look on her face.

“I just need a minute.”

* * *

_ Clarke Griffin was not someone Lexa would consider a friend. Clarke Griffin was not even someone who Lexa thought knew of her existence. And Lexa was fine with that. More than fine. She couldn’t care less about Clarke Griffin. _

_ Except Clarke Griffin was pretty. And a distraction.  _

_ She wasn’t a distraction until she switched classes and ended up having Calculus and Chemistry with Lexa. That’s when she started to be a distraction. One that Lexa would never admit to having.   _

_ “Bellamy told me you’re smart.” _

_ “Excuse me.”  _

_ “Bellamy told me you’re smart.” Clarke Griffin had eyes filled with the type of blue Lexa had seen never before or after. Lexa felt her heart jump up and down in excitement when Clarke smiled. “I need help,” she said. _

_ Lexa blinked and blinked and when she realized she didn’t say anything she blushed. “I don’t understand,” she forgot about the book in front of her until Clarke didn’t put down a piece of paper that looked like the Calculus exam they had last week.  _

_ “With that,” Clarke pointed at the big red D in the upper right corner. _

_ “I can’t help you with that.” _

_ “Bellamy said you can,” Clarke furrowed her brows, “he said you’ve helped him.” _

_ Lexa rolled her eyes. She did help him, but only because Lincoln begged her. It was the worst week of Lexa’s life. “That was different,” she said. _

_ “Please.” _

_ “Why can’t one of your friends help you?”  _

_ “They are as bad as I am.” _

_ “The really loud one isn’t.” _

_ “Raven,” Clarke grinned. “I’ve already tried that but it didn’t end well. Apparently it’s not good to mix friendship with business,” she said. “I can pay you if it’s that’s...” _

_ “I don’t need your money Clarke.” _

_ “Then why won’t you help me.” _

_ “I’m busy with other stuff.” _

_ “You don’t have any games in the next month, you could squeeze me in.” _

_ “How do you know that?,” Lexa was baffled as to how Clarke could know she did or didn’t have any games. She certainly didn’t look like the type to be interested in sports. _

_ “We may not be friends but I know who is the captain of our softball team,” Clarke smiled. _

_ “Umm… I-” _

_ “You look surprised,” Clarke frowned and then as if a bulb lit up over her head,” I don’t look like I would know that,” she grinned. “I’ve been to almost every game this year. I’m kind of a big fan,” she said, “of both you and the team,” Clarke added. “You don’t want your biggest fan to fail, do you?” _

_ Lexa couldn’t believe what was going on. Clarke Griffin knew who she was and was asking for help. That mean being distracted up close. “I don’t want you to fail, but I’m…” _

_ “Then just say yes, it’s the simplest and easiest word to say,” Clarke said. “Much easier than no.” _

_ Lexa opened her mouth wanting to protest but then gave up when she saw just how much Clarke was desperate. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll help you.”  _

* * *

_ “You must be Lexa,” a woman, Lexa assumed Clarke’s mother, opened the door of the Griffin family house. “Clarke, Lexa is here,” she turned around without waiting for Lexa to say anything back. “I’m Abby,” she smiled back at Lexa. _

_ “Hey,” soon after Clarke was standing next to her mother. “You could’ve let her in,” she grabbed Lexa’s hand and pulled her in. Lexa felt like someone had set thousand butterflies free all over her body.  _

_ “I was just about to do that,” Abby closed the door behind them. _

_ “We’ll be upstairs,” Clarke said, still holding Lexa’s hand. _

_ “Studying,” Lexa heard an echo of Abby’s voice before Clarke closed the room. _

_ “Don’t listen to her.” _

_ There were pictures hanging all over the walls of Clarke’s bedroom. It was the first thing Lexa noticed. Pictures of ocean, dozens of them, of people with no faces and forrest. Green trees in the middle of huge valley, black trees jumping out of the grey trees in the forest, trees with and with no leaves. Lexa walked up to the one of the faceless man. “Did you do these?,” she asked.  _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “All of them?,” Lexa turned around. _

_ “Yes,” Clarke smiled. _

_ “It’s amazing,” Lexa looked once again around the room.  _

_ “It’s a good distraction.” _

_ “No, it’s just good. You are really good. How long have you been doing it?” _

_ “Drawing? Since I could hold a pen,” Clarke chuckled. “I’m full of surprises,” Clarke pulled two chairs to the desk in the corner of the room and sat on the one closer to the wall. “Shall we?” _

_ “Oh, right,” Lexa remembered why she was there. She took a book out of her bag and sat next to Clarke. “Do we go from the beginning or?” _

_ “Yes, please, I kinda don’t know any of it,” Clarke awkwardly smiled.  _

_ “That’s alright,” Lexa smiled. _

* * *

_ "I need a break,” Clarke leaned back in the chair and stretched her hands above her head. “Please let’s take a break.” _

_ Lexa looked at her watch, it was hour and a half since she got there. Clarke endured longer than Lexa’s thought she would. “A break is fine.” _

_ “Thank you,” Clarke let out a long breath. _

_ “Is it that bad?,” Lexa cringed. Bellamy was easier, he talked non stop and had questions. Clarke on the other hand didn’t say anything.  _

_ “What? No, it’s not bad at all, I think I’m finally starting to understand bits and pieces of it. I just need a break,” she smiled. _

_ “Oh,” Lexa was surprised, “okay then. I was thinking we could do some problem sets next,” Lexa said, “to see if you are really starting to understand it.” _

_ “Fine by me,” Clarke dropped her head sideways to her shoulder and took a closer look at Lexa. Lexa noticed it only because she was trying to steal a glance here and there. “So what do you do when you do nothing?” _

_ “I don’t understand,” Lexa frowned. _

_ “When you’re not at school or at practice or at game,” Clarke said. “What do you do?” _

_ “Umm I guess I’m just hanging around with Anya or Lincoln.” _

_ “Oh yeah right, they are your siblings. I forgot,” Clarke said and then grinned, “I have a friend who likes your brother,” she smirked. _

_ “Why do you think Bellamy knows who I am?,” Lexa said. _

_ “It’s all starting to make sense now,” Clarke laughed. “But wait,” Lexa could practically see the wheels turning in Clarke’s head and she could sense what the next question would be. The one that everyone was always so quick to ask, “three of you look nothing alike.” _

_ “We’re adopted.” _

_ “All three?” _

_ “All three,” Lexa said and then added, “Anya’s parents left her when she was a kid and Lincoln’s and mine died when we were little.” _

_ “I’m sorry.”. _

_ “You learn to live with it.” _

_ “I know,” Clarke said. _

_ “Right, fuck, I’m sorry,” Lexa forgot. “I totally forgot about your dad. I mean I didn’t forget I just… I’m sorry.” _

_ “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize.” _

_ “I feel like I do.” _

_ “You don’t really, it’s almost refreshing to have someone forget about it.” _

_ “Your mom’s a doctor?,” Lexa said to change the subject. Dead parents were not something she was keen on discussing and she was pretty sure neither was Clarke. _

_ “She is yes,” Clarke said, “and she’s grooming me to be one.” _

_ “Is that something you want?”  _

_ “I don’t know. What do you wanna do?” _

_ “I’ll be a lawyer.” _

_ “Fancy,” Clarke smiled. “Isn’t that what your mother, I mean Indra, is.” _

_ “She is my mother,” Lexa smiled, “and she is something like that. She’s helping kids who have no one to have at least an attempt at leading a normal life.” _

_ “So both of our mothers are saving lives.” _

_ “One day at a time,” Lexa smiled. _

_ “Okay,” Clarke sighed, “let’s go back to this mess,” she turned her head back to her book. _

_ “Let’s see how good of a teacher I really am.” _

* * *

_ “You’re doing really good. If we were to have an exam now you’d do much better than you did last time around.” _

_ “Yeah I’d get a C, that’s so great,” Clarke didn’t look as happy about her progress as Lexa thought she’d be. _

_ “It’s only been a couple of days, in a week or two you’ll be ten times better.” _

_ “How about hundred?” _

_ “You are maybe aiming a bit too high with that.”  _

_ “Are you trying to say something?,” Clarke put her elbow on the desk and leaned her head on the palm of her hand.  _

_ Lexa felt different around Clarke. She was terrified at best. “Progress is always slow,” it was getting hard to ignore the way her heart beat faster and harder when Clarke smiled at her and how her palms were sweaty when Clarke was touching her and how she wanted to spend her days just looking at Clarke. _

_ “You sound like my dad,” Clarke said. “I mean it in the good way,” she smiled. “I used to be very impatient when I was a kid.” _

_ “Not much has changed,” Lexa said. _

_ “Shut up,” Clarke bumped Lexa’s shoulder with her hand. “He’d always say that to me. ‘Progress takes time Clarke.” _

_ “Do you miss him?” _

_ “Very much,” Clarke had a pained look on her face before shaking it off. “Do you miss your parents?” _

_ “I don’t really remember them. I was three when they had an accident.” _

_ “Oh, I’m sorry.” _

_ “Clarke, there you are,” a boy Lexa didn’t know was all of a sudden sitting opposite them. “You wanna hang out later?” _

_ “I’m gonna be busy with this for a while.” _

_ “When you’re finished then, you won’t spend all day doing that,” he pointed to the book in front of Clarke.  _

_ “I won’t, but I promised Lexa I was going to show her something.” _

_ “That’s alright, you can go if…,” the thing Lexa hated the most was being a burden and she hated even more seeing it on the people’s faces. And the boy sitting in front of her had no intention of hiding it. _

_ “No,” Clarke stopped her words and thoughts. “We can hang out tomorrow, or some other day,” she said to the boy. “I’m busy today.” _

_ “Okay,” he got up and left. _

_ “Clarke you didn’t have to do that, he’s obviously your friend and he wanted to spend time with you,” Lexa said. _

_ “You are also my friend,” Clarke looked at her, “and I promised I’d show you my ocean and I don’t break my promises,” Clarke smiled. “And that was Wells, he doesn’t mind.” _

_ “He didn’t look like he didn’t mind.” _

_ “That’s because you don’t know him, that’s his not minding it face,” Clarke smiled. “Let’s finish this so we can go have some fun,” she turned her attention to the book in front of her and Lexa couldn’t help the smile growing on her face. _

* * *

_ “It’s like looking at one of your drawings.” _

_ Clarke chuckled, “You are too nice.” _

_ “I’m serious. It’s beautiful and it’s exactly the same as in the drawings.” _

_ “Makes sense since I was sitting here when I drew it.” Lexa looked in front of her, seemingly endless space of blue, ocean and sky, it wasn’t really obviously where one begins and the other ends. She stood up and looked down the cliff. Waves crashing on the rocks and white disappearing in the blue. She felt Clarke’s fingers on her palm and then between her own fingers. “Don’t fall down,” Clarke was holding her hand and standing next to her. _

_ “It’s like your eyes,” Lexa whispered. _

_ “What is?,” Clarke lifted her head. _

_ “That there,” Lexa pointed her finger further in front of them, “where sky spills down on the water. That’s the color of your eyes.” _

_ “Wanna go see a movie with me?” _

_ “Uhh what?” _

_ “Wanna go to the movies?,” Clarke smiled. _

_ “To see what?” _

_ “Whatever’s playing.” _

_ “I guess I do.” _

_ Clarke laughed, “Let’s try again,” she turned so she was facing Lexa, her hand still in Lexa’s. “Do you wanna go see a movie with me?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Good,” Clarke turned back to the sea. “I wish I brought my stuff with us. I could’ve painted you the color of my eyes so you never forget.” _

_ “I don’t think I’ll ever forget.” _

* * *

_ “Oh no, no, I’m paying for tickets,” Clarke took the money out of her pocket and paid the movie tickets. “I can’t ask you out and then let you pay for it.” _

_ “Ask me out?” Everyone, except Lexa, knew it was a date. Anya and Lincoln made fun of her for not wanting to believe it when she had told them where and with who she was going. _

_ “That’s unexpected and kinda impressing,” Anya had told her. _

_ “It’s not a date Anya, we are just going as friends,” Lexa said to her. _

_ “I’ll ask you what it was when you get back,” Anya smirked.  _

_ “Leave me alone will you,” Lexa rolled her eyes. _

_ “Put your hand around her neck when the lights go out, but not immediately, wait a couple of minutes, 15 maybe.” _

_ “Anya I won’t do that.” _

_ “If you don’t then she will and that’s not the type of dynamic you wanna have at the start.” _

_ “Anya please,” Lexa begged her to stop. _

_ “You should be thanking me,” Anya grinned. “And kiss her only if she doesn’t kiss you.” _

_ “What did you think this was?,” Clarke’s voice reminded Lexa where she was. Anya was right. _

_ “I don’t… I didn’t want to think… I didn’t think.” _

_ “I’d like to think this is a date,” Clarke smiled. “If that’s okay with you, of course,” she said. _

_ “Of course it is, I mean yes, it’s… it’s a date then,” Lexa said. “But then I’m gonna buy popcorn.” _

_ “I can agree to that.” _

_ When they walked into the theater lights were already off. “If I fall it’s your fault,” Lexa whispered. _

_ “Don’t worry, I’ll hold you,” Clarke hooked her arm under Lexa’s and led them to their seats. “I told you it’s not gonna start yet.” _

_ “Shhh.” _

_ “We are the only people in here,” Clarke laughed. _

_ “Still, you have to whisper. Out of respect.” _

_ “For whom?,” Clarke whispered and leaned closer. _

_ “Movie ghosts.” _

_ “Are they scary?” _

_ “Don’t make fun of me Clarke.” _

_ “I’d never do that,” Clarke smiled. “You’re gonna hold this,” she gave Lexa the popcorn. _

_ “Yes boss,” Lexa took the popcorn in her left hand and put the right on the armrest between them. “This better not be complete shit.” _

_ Clarke gasped, “This is the first time I’ve heard you curse.” _

_ “That wasn’t a curse.” _

_ “A tiny bit,” Clarke smirked. _

_ “Shhh,” Lexa said when opening credits started to roll. Before the movie even started Clarke took Lexa’s hand under her own and put it on her lap. Lexa’s heart was racing and she was sure Clarke could hear it. She looked to her right and saw Clarke scooting closer to her and putting her head on Lexa’s shoulder.  _

_ When the movie finished Lexa couldn’t even remember what it was called. _

* * *

_ " _ _ You don’t have to always hold her hand Clarke.” _

_ “I don’t but I want.” _

_ “Hi Lexa,” Raven put a cup of tea in front of Clarke, “you have to tell me what you’re drinking, I feel bad for never bringing you anything.” _

_ “I’ve told you to not worry about that.” _

_ “She drinks coffee,” Clarke said after taking a sip of her tea. “With cream and no sugar.” _

_ “How cute,” Raven said. “How was the exam?” _

_ “Maybe not that bad.” _

_ “Don’t listen to her, she did great,” Lexa said. _

_ “Does that mean you are finally free to go to the fair with us? I won’t be responsible for my actions if I have to spend another minute alone with Octavia.” _

_ Clarke leaned her head on Lexa’s shoulder, “Do you wanna go to the fair today?” _

_ “I promised my mom I’d help her, you can go without me.” _

_ “But I don’t want to,” Clarke pouted. “Can I come by your house after it?” _

_ “Then you’ll have to have dinner with us, my mom won’t let you otherwise,” Lexa smiled. _

_ “I like food,” Clarke said. _

_ “Already meeting the parents. Is that wedding bells I hear?” _

_ “Raven, shut up,” Clarke pull back and rolled her eyes at Raven.  _

_ “Lovergirl are you ready?,” Anya ruffled her hand through Lexa’s hair. _

_ “Please stop,” Lexa pushed Anya’s hand off of her head.  _

_ “Hey Anya,” Clarke smiled. _

_ “Hey blondie. Are you gonna fail?” _

_ “Unfortunately no,” Clarke smiled. _

_ “Too bad, I was looking forward to this one being all peachy again,” Anya said. “Up and away,” she pulled Lexa’s shirt up. _

_ “See you tonight then?,” Lexa asked once she was on her feet.  _

_ “Around 7,” Clarke smiled at her. _

_ “Okay, bye,” as soon as Lexa’s hand was no longer holding Clarke’s, she put it in her jacket. _

_ “You still haven’t kissed her? What are you waiting for? An invitation?” _

_ “For the right time.” _

* * *

_ " _ _ Hey Clarke,” Lincoln’s face lit up when he opened the door for Clarke and let her in. “Lexa, Clarke is here,” he yelled to the inside of the house and a couple of seconds later Lexa came running down the stairs. _

_ “Hello Clarke,” Indra said from the kitchen door. _

_ “Hello Ms Woods.” _

_ “I told you to call me Indra,” she smiled. _

_ “Hey,” Lexa was now standing next to Clarke. She smiled. _

_ “Dinner’s gonna be ready in half an hour.” _

_ “We’ll be upstairs,” Lexa said to her mom.  _

_ “I’m so tired,” Clarke threw herself on Lexa’s bed. “I’ve just realized this is the first time I’m in your room,” she played with the hem of Lexa’s shirt pulling her to lay down next to her. “Unacceptable,” Clarke whispered. _

_ “I apologize,” Lexa smiled.  _

_ “I’ve missed you. Raven and Octavia kept fighting and making up and fighting again and then didn’t let me talk about you.” _

_ “You wanted to talk about me?” _

_ “The least I could do since I couldn’t talk with you.” _

_ “I missed you too.” _

_ Clarke put her hand on Lexa’s cheek and dragged her thumb over it. WIth her other hand she took Lexa’s hand and put it on her chest, over her heart. “It’s not just you,” she said. Lexa felt Clarke’s heart beating as hard and in tune with her own. Clarke wiggled closer to her and brushed her nose against Lexa’s. Lexa was happy with just being that close to Clarke and feeling her warm breath on her lips, but then Clarke leaned her head to the side and kissed her. _

_ “Please be dressed,” Anya yelled through half open door. It made Lexa jump up and sit on the edge of the bed. “Dinner’s ready,” Anya’s head peeped behind the door. “Don’t make me come up again,” she said before closing the door. _

_ Lexa got up and straightened her shirt. She turned around and offered her hand to Clarke who more than willingly took it. “Your cheeks are really red,” Clarke put her hands on both sides of Lexa’s head.  _

_ “So are yours.” Lexa tilted her head and pressed her lips on Clarke’s. It was short and sweet and it made Lexa’s stomach flip and turn in the best kind of way. “We should probably go downstairs,” she said after she pulled back. _

_ “But we can come back up after dinner?” _

_ “We can,” Lexa smiled. _

* * *

Next time she saw Clarke, Lexa was more prepared.

“I’ll be damned. Clarke Griffin in flesh and blood,” Anya crossed her hands and put a big smile on her face. “Wait, do you remember who I am?”

“Maybe a hug will refresh my memory,” Clarke spread her arms and waited for Anya to close the distance between them.

“You look good Clarke,” Anya smiled after they hugged, “I like the hair.”

“Thanks.”

“Where’s the loverboy? Finn, right?”

Clarke flinched when Anya mentioned her boyfriend. “Around, somewhere.”

“I was hoping to meet him,” Anya said. “I’ve heard great things.”

“You will,” Clarke tried to smile. Then she turned her attention to Costia. With the same smile on her face. “I don’t think we’ve met,” she said, her eyes falling down to where Costia was holding her hand on Lexa’s.

“Costia, nice to finally meet you,” she said, “I’ve heard a lot about you.” 

When Costia said her name, Clarke swallowed hard and her eyes briefly crossed path with Lexa’s. Lexa had seen that look one too many times. “I hope some of it was good,” she was still smiling with that same tired and fake smile she had on her face ever since she came there. 

“Are you here for a vacation or?,” Anya pulled back Clarke’s attention. Or at least it looked like she did.

“No, I’m here to stay,” Clarke said. “Finn got a job here and I guess I can do what I do from wherever. And I missed my mom and… everyone.” Clarke’s eyes drifted back to Lexa and the hand on her forearm. “It’s quite a crowd,” Clarke said looking at her.

“It is,” Lexa said.

“Lexa! Finally some faces I don’t hate,” Raven came out of nowhere and leaned her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

“I was just thinking about you,” Lexa smiled.

“Were you really?”

“You know me, always thinking about Raven Reyes.”

“I don’t blame you, even I do it all the time,” Raven grinend. “Clarke,” Raven sounded a bit surprised.

“You looked shocked,” Clarke chuckled.

“I didn’t think I’d find you here.”

“She was drawn to me,” Anya said.

“Was she now?,” Raven lifted her brow.

“I told you to not leave me alone here,” Anya said.

“You were with these two,” Raven tilted her head to point at Costia and Lexa. “And I knew Clarke was eventually going to be drawn to you so I had no worries that you’re going to be alone,” she turned to Clarke, “where’s the boyfriend?”

“He’s hard to miss,” all eyes turned to Lexa when she said that. “He’s the only stranger in here.”

“So, how was life overseas?,” once again Anya came to her rescue.

“Not bad,” Clarke said.

“I gotta say, I was a bit offended when I didn’t get an invite to your first exhibit,” Anya said.

“You would’ve came?,” Clarke raised her brow. There were bits and pieces of her that were new to Lexa and bigger chunks of her that Lexa once knew but couldn’t see anymore.

“It’s the thought that matters.”

“But I did name one of the pieces after you.”

“You did?”

“Yes, ‘Sister I never had’,” Clarke smiled, and for the first time it was one that Lexa knew. She remembered the last time she saw Clarke smile like that.

“You’re gonna make me cry,” Anya said.

“No I won’t,” Clarke chuckled, “do you wanna see it?”

“Of course.”

Clarke unlocked her phone and after a couple of seconds she handed it to Anya. No matter how hard Anya was trying to hide it, Lexa could see in her eyes that she wasn’t expecting something like that to happen and that she was touched beyond measure. “Is this…,” Anya was staring into the phone not being able to say a word.

“I saved it for you,” Clarke said. “If you want it of course.”

“How did you know about this?,” Anya looked at Clarke then at Lexa. “Do you wanna see it?,” she turned to Clarke, “can she?”

“Someone told me,” Clarke smiled, “and of course she can,” she never looked at Lexa.

When Anya handed her the phone and Lexa looked at the photo on the screen, she closed her eyes trying to forget the nights she spent under that sky. “It’s great,” she gave the phone back to Anya.

“Are you okay?,” Costia whispered in her ear. Clarke’s reaction to it didn’t escape Lexa’s eye.

“I am,” she said to Costia.

“I don’t know what to say Clarke,” Anya gave her back her phone. “This is the nicest thing ever.”

“It’s the least I could do.”

“Why don’t you ever draw something for me?,” Raven said to break the silence that was threatening to settle between them.

“I will when you stop asking,” Clarke said.

“There you are,” Finn wrapped his hand around Clarke, again. “You keep running away from me,” he kissed her, this time not on cheek.

“Is that…,” Costia whispered so no one would hear her.

“Golden boy, yes,” Lexa whispered back.

“I’m just roaming around, saying hi to my friends whom I haven’t seen in a long time, you know,” Clarke said.

“I know these two,” he pointed his fingers at Raven and Lexa.

“This is Anya and that’s Costia.”

“Nice to meet you ladies,” he waved at them.

“This is Finn,” Clarke said.

“Clarke’s boyfriend,” he added, again. “That’s like our thing, she says my name and I say my title.”

“Fun,” Anya said.

“Are you two… a thing?,” he looked at Raven holding her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

“No,” Raven chuckled. “I’m a thing with that one,” she crossed a few steps and stood next to Anya, kissing her. “That’s my sister in law.”

“You guys are married?,” he asked.

“No, that’s like our thing,” Lexa said.

“Right,” he said. “Did you guys all go to school with Clarke?”

“I’m a couple of years older,” Anya said.

“And I just met her,” Costia added.

“Then you two can give me juicy details about highschool Clarke,” he grinned. There was something about him that Lexa didn’t like. It wasn’t even that he was the boyfriend. It was the way he stood, and talked to her and smiled. And the person he worked for. When Lincoln told her that Clarke was back and with a boyfriend, Lexa couldn’t help but look him up. It turned out that he represented everything that she fought against. “She never wants to talk about that part of her life. I keep asking but with no luck.”

“Maybe there’s a reason,” Anya said.

“Also, maybe we shouldn’t push people into something they don’t want to do,” Raven added.

“It can’t be that bad,” he laughed.

“It’s not about it being good or bad,” Lexa straightened her back, “it’s about whether she wants to share it or not.”

“Whoa, I feel like I’m being surrounded with angry wolves preparing to eat me alive,” Finn raised his hand and lowered them back down when no one laughed.

“You’ll be fine,” Clarke said.

“We don’t bite,” Anya winked at him.

“Unless Clarke asks us to,” Raven said.

“We should go find Lincoln and Octavia,” Clarke removed his hand from her hip. “And then maybe leave.”

“Leave?,” Anya said. “Party is just getting started.”

“Too old for that,” Clarke smiled. “It was nice to meet you,” she said to Costia, “I’ll see you around.”

“Is it just me or is that guy begging to be punched in the face?,” Anya said when Clarke and Finn left.

“You are like the third person tonight to say that,” Raven chuckled. “Octavia almost did it.”

“What does she see in him?,” Anya said.

“Maybe he becomes nicer when you get to know him better,” Raven shrugged.

All the while her sister and Raven were talking, Lexa’s eyes followed Clarke. She walked like she had the whole world under her feet. But then she turned around and her face said everything that her words didn’t.

“Can we talk about something else?,” Lexa said to her friends.

* * *

_ “Don’t be so thirsty.” _

_ “I’m not thirsty.” _

_ “You should close your mouth so you don’t drool all over yourself.” _

_ “Shut the fuck up Raven.” _

_ “I mean I understand, it’s hot, but contain yourself woman. Or do something about it, I can’t believe you still haven’t.” _

_ “I’ll never learn from my mistakes will I?,” Clarke groaned. She was with Raven watching Lexa’s practice. _

_ “I’m the best thing that happened to you,” Raven smirked. She looked down at the field and saw Lexa walking to them. “Okay, maybe second best.” _

_ Clarke jumped up from her seat and threw her hands around Lexa’s neck, “Hey babe.” _

_ “I’m all sweaty and dirty.” _

_ “I don’t care,” Clarke said. “You should kiss me.” _

_ “Your wish is my command,” Lexa pulled her closer and kissed her. _

_ “There’s a time and place for that and my field is neither of those things,” Lexa’s coach made sure everyone heard him. _

_ “Sorry coach,” Lexa yelled back. “I have to go back,” she said to Clarke. “Food later?” _

_ “Yes,” Clarke smiled. She sat back on the bench and watched Lexa run back to the field. “I love her so much.” _

_ “I know,” Raven put her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “Maybe you should tell her that.” _

_ “Maybe.” _

* * *

_ Clarke saw Lexa walk out of the locker room before Lexa could see her. She was in sweatpants and a shirt and her hair was still wet and curly from the shower. _

_ “Where’s Raven?”  _

_ “Is that really the first thing you wanna say to your girlfriend?” _

_ “Hi Clarke,” Lexa kissed her cheek.  _

_ “You’re gonna get sick,” Clarke pulled at one strand of Lexa’s hair. _

_ “I’m not you,” Lexa smiled. _

_ “Ha ha very funny,” Clarke pulled back and grabbed Lexa’s hand, interwinding their fingers. “Who’s gonna take care of you when you get sick?” _

_ “I’m more than capable of taking care of myself.” _

_ “I’m sure you are Miss I cry when I hit my toe.” _

_ “That was one time and it really hurt.” _

_ “If that’s what makes you sleep at night,” Clarke grinned. _

_ “Whatever, I’m hungry.” _

_ “Let’s go feed you then, grumpy grump.” _

_ Lexa was craving burgers so they went to the closest burger place they could find. _

_ “You practically inhaled that, it always amazes me how fast you eat,” Clarke chuckled.  _

_ “I was really hungry, don’t shame me.” _

_ “I would never,” Clarke smiled. She opened her bag and ruffled through some papers until she found what she was looking for. “And for today's doodle of the day,” she took a piece of paper and handed it to Lexa, “I present to you little Lexa sleeping.” _

_ Lexa laughed, “She looks like she’s having the time of her life.” _

_ “That’s because she is.” _

_ “She would if there was a bunch of blonde hair in her face.” _

_ “That’s not what you said last Sunday.” _

_ “I was lying,” Lexa smiled. “And for today’s fun trivia of the day. Hmm let’s see,” Lexa took a moment as if she didn’t know what she was going to say, “queen termites can live up to 50 years.” _

_ Clarke chuckled, “Only you would think that’s fun trivia.” _

_ “You should appreciate trivia time more,” Lexa crossed her arms and pretended to be offended. _

_ “I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.” _

_ Lexa raised her glass of water, “Long live queen termites.” _

_ “God I love you so much.” Clarke didn’t even realize what she had said until she saw it written on Lexa’s face. “Umm I have to go, I forgot I had to be home,” Clarke was never that close to running away from someone. She stormed out and into the street and didn’t stop. “Fuck,” she said to herself. _

_ “Clarke wait,” she heard Lexa say. “Don’t make me run, please.” Clarke never thought she’d be the kind of person to do something like that. She made fun of people who did that. And it wasn’t like that was the only thing on her mind for the past couple of weeks. “Clarke, will you stop please,” Lexa caught up with her and was walking next to her. Clarke couldn’t even look at her. “Clarke,” Lexa grabbed her hand and pulled her to stop. “What are you doing?” _

_ “Running away from embarrassing myself even more.” _

_ “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything in this world. You don’t have to run.” _

_ “You love me?” _

_ “Who wouldn’t.” _

* * *

_ “Happy one year of being with the greatest person in the world.” _

_ “Always so modest.” _

_ “That’s why you love me.” _

_ “Can we go to sleep now?,” Lexa yawned. _

_ “I can’t believe you’ve just asked me that,” Clarke pushed Lexa and got on top of her. _

_ “I’m sleepy,” Lexa rested her hands on Clarke’s thighs. _

_ “I can make you not sleepy,” Clarke rolled her hips, in turn making Lexa’s fingers dug into her thighs. _

_ “Clarke.” _

_ “Lexa,” Clarke lowered her head and peppered Lexa’s jaw with kisses. “I want you to finish what you’ve started last night.” _

_ Lexa lifted her hands to Clarke’s hips and under her shirt. Clarke shivered when Lexa dragged her hands over Clarke’s back. “Are you sure?,” she asked. _

_ “I’ve never been so sure of something in my life.” _

* * *

“She’s prettier than in pictures.”

“It’s been a long day, can we talk about something else?” Costia and Lexa left the party before anyone else did. Costia suggested it and Lexa was more than happy to accept it. 

“About the douchebag boyfriend?,” Costia chuckled. “From what you’ve told me I’d never imagine her with someone like that.”

Lexa would never had put him with her, not in a million years or as many timelines. He was everything that her Clarke despised. But her Clarke was long gone and the Clarke that chose him was a stranger to Lexa. “People change, I haven’t seen her in almost 10 years. I don’t know what she’s like anymore.”

“Yeah but how you go from that to  _ that _ .”

“How do I go from that to this?”

“You are pretty much the same as when I first met you,” Costia said. “Only not as happy.”

“Trust me I’m not,” Lexa sighed.

“You are the same nerdy girl I met that Monday on campus,” Costia said. “Maybe not on the outside, but the values you have and things you feel and cherish are still the same and I don’t think you’ll ever change that much.”

“We play with the cards we are dealt.”

“Always so wise,” Costia chuckled. “Either way, I never thought she’d be with someone who evicts families from their houses.”

“To each his own, I guess.”

“And let’s not forget how she remembered who I was.”

“Maybe she didn’t.”

“Please,” Costia laughed, “she kept looking at me like she was ready to kill me right there on the spot,” she said. “She spent half of the time looking at my hand on yours and the other half trying not to look at it.”

“I can’t blame her, I’d probably do the same if I were in her shoes,” Lexa said. “And I know you would too.”

“All in all, the night could’ve gone much worse than it had.”

“Can we now stop talking about it?”

“What was that that she drew for Anya?”

“Her stars.” Stars Lexa had hoped she’d forget but that would haunt her nights and days. 

“Her stars?”

“That’s a story for some other day,” Lexa said. 

* * *

_ “Is that me?,” Lexa tapped her finger on the paper in Clarke’s lap. _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “How are you able to do that?” _

_ “What?” _

_ “Draw me like that when you’re not looking at me.” _

_ “Babe, I could draw you with my eyes closed,” Clarke smiled. _

_ “Don’t exaggerate.” _

_ Clarke chuckled, “I’m not, how do you think I draw those doodles I give you every day?” _

_ “Yeah but that’s funny me, this,” Lexa’s dragged her finger over the drawing of her sitting on the bench they were sitting and looking at the ocean in front of them, “is real me.” _

_ “All of it is real you,” Clarke picked up her hand and kissed the back of her palm. _

_ “Why don’t you ever draw you next to me?” _

_ “I am,” Clarke smiled. “This is me watching over you,” she tapped her pen on the place where the ocean met the sky. _

_ “Or is it me watching over you?” _

_ “No, no, you see how big my eyes are,” Clarke grinned. _

_ “Will you ever let that go?” _

_ “Never, that’s how you got me.” _

_ “I love you,” Lexa kissed Clarke’s neck. _

_ “I love you more.” _

_ “Promise you’ll never leave me.” _

_ “You’re so needy.” _

_ “Promise me Clarke, my heart would never survive that.” _

_ “I promise I will never leave you.” _

_ “That’s a really big promise are you sure you wanna make it.” _

_ “Oh my God.” _

_ “I’m just saying,” Lexa giggled. _

_ “Well I promised it, and I don’t break my promises,” Clarke smiled. “You are stuck with me now. Forever.” _

_ “Poor me.” _

* * *

_ “Lexa, tell me again, why are we not doing this more often?” _

_ “Clarke is not letting us,” Lexa smiled. _

_ Clarke lifted her brow, “Sure, it’s always Clarke’s fault isn’t it?”  _

_ “I’m kidding,” Lexa said. “I don’t have a lot of time, with practice and school.” _

_ “Clarke is always running off to your house,” Abby said. _

_ “Mom.” _

_ “I don’t mind it, I’m just saying,” Abby said. “I’d like very much if we could spend more time together.” _

_ “We’ll do better,” Lexa said before Clarke could change the subject. “We promise, right?,” she looked at Clarke. _

_ “Don’t look at me, you make your own promises.” _

_ “Then I promise,” Lexa chuckled.  _

_ “Now I expect you to keep it,” Abby smiled at her. _

_ “Don’t worry,” Lexa said. “I have to go now,” she looked at Clarke.  _

_ “You’re not staying the night?,” Abby asked. _

_ “Mom,” Clarke blushed. _

_ “What? I’m just asking. It’s a rare Friday night that you two won’t spend together.” _

_ “I’m going on a road trip with my sister, early morning.” _

_ “Oh, for how long?” _

_ “Just the weekend.” _

_ “That’s really nice,” Abby smiled. “Say hi to Anya for me and make sure to have fun.” _

_ “I’ll be sure to do that,” Lexa said. She got up. “Thank you for dinner.” _

_ “Anytime,” Abby said. _

_ “I’m gonna walk you out,” Clarke said and followed Lexa to the door.  _

_ “Don’t miss me too much.” _

_ “Not possible,” Clarke wrapped her hands around Lexa’s neck and hugged her tightly. “I’m gonna miss you so much. I already miss you so much.” _

_ “It’s two days.” _

_ “It’s the longest I’ll go without seeing you since we met.” _

_ “I know baby, I’m gonna miss you too,” Lexa kissed Clarke’s neck. “So much.” _

_ “Send me photos of that face of yours. Every hour, do you understand?,” Clarke leaned her forehead on Lexa’s. “Every hour.” _

_ “I promise.” _

_ “I’ll send you nudes, maybe that makes you never want to leave me again.” _

_ Lexa laughed, “Clarke.”  _

_ “Nude a day keeps the doctor away.” _

_ “I love you so much.” _

_ “I love you more.” _

_ When Clarke got back in the kitchen, her mother had already started washing the dishes. “I’ll do that,” Clarke said. _

_ “You can help me,” Abby said and moved to the side. “I’ll wash them and you can dry them.” _

_ “Deal.” _

_ “You know, I’ve never told you but Jake would have loved her,” Abby smiled softly. “She’s such a sweet girl, and she loves you so much she can’t hide it,” she said. “He would have loved her for that.” _

_ “I wish he could have met her.” _

_ “Just make sure to never let her go.” _

_ “Never.” _

* * *

_ “Can you get off of your phone for one second and talk to the human next to you?” _

_ It was the second time in 10 minutes that Anya had asked Lexa to drop her phone. “It’s not my fault.” _

_ “Whos fault is it then? Who keeps making you look at your phone every 10 seconds,” Anya said. “And please don’t say Clarke, I’ll slap you if you say that again.” _

_ “She misses me.” _

_ “You’ve been gone for 5 minutes, she’ll live.” _

_ “It’s been 5 hours.” _

_ “Wow, that’s like a whole eternity.” _

_ “Don’t be a jerk.” _

_ “I’m not.” _

_ “You are.” _

_ “Drop your phone.” _

_ “Just this one text.” _

_ “Oh my God. If I had known it’d be like this, I would have brought her with us.” _

_ “That was an option?,” Lexa frowned. _

_ “Jesus, I knew you were whipped but I didn’t know it was this serious.” _

_ “Clarke is…” _

_ “Amazing, yes, I know, and you love her so much, I know, and it’s a big deal, I know, but I’m also amazing and you love me and this is also a big deal.” _

_ “Don’t be so dramatic.” _

_ “You don’t be so dramatic,” Anya rolled her eyes. “What will happen when you go to different schools?” _

_ “We will cope, or we will go to the same school.” _

_ “You need to chill a bit. Your love will grow fonder if you let it breathe for just a couple of minutes. I promise.” _

_ “What would you know about love?” _

_ “Don’t be a jerk.” _

_ “Takes one to know one.” _

_ “Urge to merge is real. I can already see you’re starting to be a brat, just like Clarke.” _

_ “Only to those who deserve it,” Lexa put her phone on the back seat. _

_ “Fucking finally.” _

* * *

_ “Will I be invited to you wedding?” _

_ “She can’t hear you.” _

_ “Clarke,” Octavia tried getting Clarke’ attention, “Earth to Clarke,” she waved her hand in front of Clarke’s face. It made Clarke pull her head back and blink.  _

_ She furrowed her brows and looked at Octavia, “What?” _

_ “Are you listening or are you sleeping with your eyes open?” _

_ “I wasn’t sleeping,” Clarke said.  _

_ “Then what were you doing?” _

_ “I was thinking.” _

_ "About Woods,” Raven smirked. _

_ Raven was right, Clarke was thinking about Lexa and what her life would be like if she had never asked Lexa to help her all that time ago. And then the dark thought of what her life would be like if she lost Lexa. “What do you want?,” she asked Octavia. _

_ “WIll I be invited to you wedding?” _

_ “My wedding?” _

_ “With Lexa yes. I give you two more years before you’re married.” _

_ “Isn’t that a bit too much?,” Clarke said. _

_ “You are obsessed with each other, it’s a miracle you haven’t eloped already.” _

_ “Two years is a long time,” Clarke looked at her phone then out through the window. She imagined Lexa sitting in car, next to Anya, singing some song Anya probably hated. She smiled at the thought. _

_ “What’s up with you?,” Octavia sat at the couch next to her. “It’s just two days, she’ll be back.” _

_ “I know she will, but where will she be this time in two years?” _

_ “She’s gonna be madly in love with you,” Raven kissed the side of Clarke’s head. _

_ “I’m scared.” _

_ “C’mon Clarke, you know she’d never do something to hurt you,” Octavia rubbed Clarke’s back. _

_ “I know, but what if we end up living far away from each other.” _

_ Raven took Clarke’s phone from the table in front of them and put it in Clarke’s hand. “Call her.” _

_ “I don’t want to bother her.” _

_ “Clarke, call her.” _

_ “She’s with Anya, I don’t want to bother them.” _

_ “Oh my God, I’m gonna punch you in the face if you don’t call her,” Octavia said. _

_ “And say what? Hey Lexa I’m scared you’re gonna leave me.” _

_ “No, idiot,” Raven sighed. “Tell her you love her and can’t wait to see her again.” _

_ “And to hurry back because you are insufferable,” Octavia added. _

_ “It’s not my fault,” Clarke said. _

_ “You have no reason to think something like that would happen,” Octavia said. “That thing you two have won’t stop being freaking amazing just because you two might be apart from each other for a while.” _

_ “Have a bit of faith, yeah?” _

* * *

Soon after the engagement party Lexa got invited to dinner. If it were anyone else, she’d have said no, but it was Lincoln and there were some things she just couldn’t do. 

It was supposed to be a continuation of the party, with fewer people of course. Clarke was going to be there and so was Finn. 

“I still can’t believe you are here,” Octavia said. “It’s been so long since we’ve all been together.” Not much was said during the dinner. Apart from Finn’s life story. The guy didn’t know how to keep his mouth shut.

“We can do it more often now,” Finn said before Clarke had a chance to say anything.

“I was talking about the four of us being in the same room after many years,” Octavia said, “but yes, we can do it more often now.”

“That’s why I need to get to know you all better, now that we’re going to be spending more time together,” Finn said. “Raven you are an engineer, right?”

“Yes sir,” Raven said.

“And you Lincoln are a paramedic?”

“Yes,” Lincoln smiled.

“And I know you Octavia are in PR business.”

“I am, yes.”

“And I don’t know what you do Lexa, you’re like a mystery to me.”

“I don’t think you’ll be seeing that much of me, so don’t sweat it.”

“C’mon, you are Clarke’s friend, I gotta get to know you better,” he said.

“I’m a lawyer.”

“So am I,” he smiled.

“I know.”

He frowned, “You do?”

“You work with Wallace family.”

“Good word travels fast I see,” he said.

“Bad one even faster.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing you should worry about.”

“Let’s talk about something else,” Clarke jumped in. It was the first thing she said all night.

“I don’t like your tone,” Finn wasn’t smiling anymore.

“I don’t really care,” Lexa shrugged.

“I think you should,” he was starting to get hostile.

“Finn,” Clarke said.

Lexa scoffed, “Why?,” she leaned back in her chair. 

“Where do you work?,” he asked.

“I think we should change the subject,” Lincoln said.

“We’re just talking,” Finn smiled, “right Lexa?”

“You seem to be really good at that,” Lexa tilted her head.

On the other side of the table Raven giggled and Octavia tried not to. “Is there a reason you hate me?,” Finn asked.

“I don’t hate you Finn,” Lexa said. “I just don’t like your boss or you.”

“Lexa works with families who are on the verge of losing everything because of people like Cage Wallace,” Octavia stood up in Lexa’s defence. 

“You mean those who refuse to get a job and pay rent?,” he responded.

Lexa bit her tongue, “I think it’s the right time for you to stop talking.”

“Or what?”

“Or I can make you.”

“Lexa.” It was soft and barely there, but it was there and it broke Lexa’s heart in ways she thought it’d never be broken again. Clarke’s eyes were asking her to stop. “We are all passionate about our causes, but that’s in no way a good reason to get in a fight in the middle of dinner,” she looked first at him then at Lexa. 

Finn’s chest was heaving in anger, “I’m gonna go out for a smoke,” he got up from the table and went on the balcony.

“That was intense,” Lincoln said to break the ice.

“You should keep him on a shorter leash,” Lexa looked straight into Clarke’s eyes.

“You don’t have to get into dick measuring contents with him either.”

“Maybe you could tell us whose is bigger so I won’t have to.”

“What did you just say to me?”

“Let’s all calm down,” Lincoln tried to ease the tension that was turning into a time ticking bomb with almost no time left.

“Can you repeat what you just said?,” Clarke said again.

“No,” Lexa said calmly.

“If you ever speak to me like that again…”

“Then what? You won’t speak to me again?”

“I never thought you were going to be the one acting like a child.”

“That seems to be your type.”

“Okay, let’s all stop right there,” Raven said. “Let’s all take a deep breath and try to relax a bit.”

“I’m gonna go,” Lexa got up, “so you all can relax.”


	2. Chapter 2

“It would mean a lot to her if you came,” Octavia had spent the last hour of their dinner and 30 minutes after it trying to convince Lexa to go to Clarke’s art show. “You don’t even have to talk to her. Just be there, walk around, enjoy in some nice art and then leave. It’s that simple, c’mon.”

“I don’t think she wants to see me considering what happened the last time we saw each other.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Octavia shook her head. “It would mean everything to her if she saw you there. Besides, it’s long overdue, you’re the one who made it all happen.”

“No, she’s the one that made it all happen, I just helped, once upon a time.”

“Tell me you don’t wanna see her shine,” Octavia smiled. “I’ll leave you alone if you really don’t wanna go and see it with your own eyes.”

“I know she’s great, I’ve seen it before.”

“Yes, but never this big.”

“I’ve read about it.”

“You’ve never seen it.”

Lexa sighed, “I don’t know Octavia.”

“I can’t believe I have to talk you into doing it,” she sighed. “Raven thought you’d say yes after the first time.”

“Raven thinks I’m still holding onto things long gone.”

“I remember a time when you were big on taking chances and not regretting things for the rest of your life.”

“Like I said, things long gone.”

“Don’t make me angry Lexa, that’s not something you wanna see.”

Lexa would have lied if she said she didn’t wanna see it. Once upon a time, Clarke’s achievements Lexa cherished as if they were her own. But some things were long gone and the only right thing was to leave them there. “When is it?”

“Tomorrow at six.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Oh God can you please stop thinking, just for a second and do something we both know you want.”

“I don’t wanna see him,” that was a part of the reason why Lexa was reluctant to go.

“Honestly I doubt he’s gonna be there.”

“What?”

“He’s… a piece of something. As I understand it, he’s not really there of that part of her life,” Octavia said. “If I’m being honest, I don’t really know what she sees in him, I never knew.”

“Have you tried asking her?”

“You know I don’t know how to be calm with things that annoy me, and that guy is annoying as fuck,” Octavia said. “Besides I don’t wanna be like you.”

“Like me?”

“That thing you said, it’d be better if you haven’t said it,” Octavia chuckled. “I’d probably say something even worse. But then again it wouldn’t be as big of a deal because I’m not Lexa.”

“Fuck off Octavia, it’s not my fault I can’t help myself around douchebags.”

“Yeah but it’s Clarke you hurt, not him.”

“She chose him.”

“Anya can you reason with your sister?,” Octavia said to Anya who had just walked into the living room. The four of them were at Lincoln and Octavia’s place having dinner.

“What did she do now?”

“She’s being a big brat.”

“Oh, it’s about Clarke then,” Anya chuckled.

“How did you know?,” Octavia laughed.

“It’s a whole thing,” Anya sat next to Lexa. “What’s up?”

“She doesn’t wanna go to Clarke’s art show tomorrow,” Octavia said.

“What?,” Anya looked at Lexa, “Why?”

“I don’t wanna see her boyfriend again and I don’t think she wants me there.”

“Okay, first things first,” Anya said, “you think Clarke Griffin doesn’t want you to come to see her show? You’re even more delusional than I thought you were.”

“Not after the last time we saw each other.”

“What happened?”

“You don’t know?,” Octavia lifted her brows in surprise.

“What did you do?,” Anya punched Lexa’s shoulder.

“Ouch, why do you think it was me?”

“Because the last time you looked like _that,_ it was your fault.”

“She obliterated Finn last week at dinner, in front of everyone,” Octavia grinned. “I’m sorry you missed it.”

“What?”

“I didn’t do anything to him,” Lexa sighed. “I just said what I think about his job.”

“Oh Lexa,” Anya rubbed her forehead, “what did Clarke say about it?”

“She was also really rude to Clarke,” Octavia said.

“You never learn do you?,” Anya shook her head.

“It’s not my fault she’s dating the biggest jerk in the world.”

“Is it because he’s a jerk or because she’s dating him?,” Anya asked.

“No, no, you won’t turn this to that, because it has nothing to do with it.”

“You hating on Clarke’s boyfriend has nothing to do with the fact that he’s Clarke’s boyfriend? Sure,” Anya sighed. “How did she even get with that guy?,” she asked Octavia.

“He was really persistent. It took him like 6 years to take her on a date,” Octavia said. “She got tired of him always asking, she said yes and they’ve been together for a year and half, I think.”

“She got tired of him asking?,” Anya said.

“Her words not mine,” Octavia shrugged.

“I can’t believe a woman like that would live with a man like that,” Anya sighed. “I guess we never really know what’s going on in other people’s heads.”

“You knew her when she was a kid, why do you expect her to be the same person now that she’s all grown up?,” Lexa got tired of Anya being shocked with the way Clarke lived her life.

“I talked with her, maybe not every day, but we talked.”

“Has she ever told you she had a boyfriend?,” Lexa turned to her sister.

“No,” Anya said.

“Why do you expect to know her then?”

“Why are you so defensive?”

“Because you don’t know her and you don’t get to be shocked with the choices she makes. It’s her life. It’s always been her life and her choice.”

“That’s not the song you were singing 10 years ago.”

* * *

_“If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?”_

_“In general or?”_

_“Let’s make it in the next 5 years,” Lexa threaded her fingers through Clarke’s hair. It was late night and they were in Clarke’s bed._

_“There’s a school I wanna go to in London.”_

_“What kind?”_

_“Art,” Clarke was whispering. “This is the first time I’ve said that out loud. I’ve wanted it for the longest time. But it’s much better if I don’t think about it.”_

_“Why would you say that?”_

_“Because there’s no chance I’d get in.”_

_“But you want it?”_

_“Yes, but it’s a silly dream.”_

_“Don’t say that,” Lexa said. “Dreams are never silly and it’s never silly to dream. Dreams are what makes our life worth living.”_

_“They are still dreams.”_

_“They are, but if you wanna spend time with me then I don’t wanna hear you dismiss them.”_

_“Oh really?,” Clarke smiled._

_“Yes. You know I used to dream about this, and look at me now, living my dreams.”_

_“You used to dream about being in bed with me?”_

_“Not necessarily you, I mean yes of course you, but also just in general, to feel this kind of peace and happiness. I never thought I’d get it, but I dreamed and look at me now.”_

_“Living your wildest dreams.”_

_“And so will you.”_

* * *

_“Here’s to two best years of my life,” Lexa raised her water bottle and clinked it with Clarke’s._

_“And to all those that are yet to happen,” Clarke said and pulled Lexa for a kiss. “Tell me again why are we hiking. And better make it good because I’m this close to turning around and leaving.”_

_“Because it’s healthy,” Lexa chuckled._

_“So is staying in bed.”_

_“Since when is staying in bed healthy?”_

_“There’s healthy stuff you could do in bed.”_

_“Like what, sleep?”_

_“That’s one of them yes, there’s also sex,” Clarke smirked. “Sex is really good for you,” she said, “or so people say.”_

_“We said we’ll do something fun every year.”_

_“And like I said nothing will ever beat the first one, we might as well do that every year.”_

_“Who says we won’t? Think of this as just foreplay.”_

_“Foreplay? Maybe in your world,” Clarke said. “In my world this is called torture.”_

_“I’ll carry you.”_

_“You should’ve said that hours ago, would’ve made this a lot easier for me.”_

_“C’mon babe, it’s just a couple more minutes.”_

_“You’ve been saying that for the past hour.”_

_“But this time it really is a couple more minutes.”_

_“If it isn’t I’m gonna kill you.”_

_“If you look up you can see the end,” Lexa pointed her finger somewhere above their heads. And just like she said, after 5 more minutes they were at the top of the hill they were climbing for the past 2 hours. “I told you.” Clarke sat on the ground, breathless. Lexa laughed when she saw her. “C’mon, just a couple of feet more. I wanna show you something.”_

_“More walking? You really do hate me.”_

_“Up up,” Lexa pulled her to her feet and to the cliff in front of them. “Look,” she said._

_“Is that…”_

_“It’s your bench, yes.”_

_“We are so fucking high.”_

_“But it’s really pretty, isn’t it?,” Lexa said looking at the vast space in front of their eyes. Just below them was Clarke’s bench and Clarke’s ocean and Lexa’s color. “Now you can draw and have fun.”_

_“You are something else,” Clare smiled._

* * *

_“Clarke, you have to apply.”_

_“No.”_

_“Clarke, please be reasonable.”_

_“No, Lexa, you be reasonable,” Clarke got of the bed and walked all the way to the other side of the room. “There’s no way I’d ever get in.”_

_“You can’t know that.”_

_“Yes I do know that, it’s impossibly hard to get in.”_

_“Not for you.”_

_“Lexa,” Clarke sighed. “I think it’s really sweet you think I’d get in, but I’m telling you, there’s no point.”_

_“Clarke,” Lexa got up and walked to where Clarke was standing. “This is once in a lifetime opportunity to do something you’ve always wanted to do. You can’t dismiss it without even trying.”_

_“There’s no point,” Clarke covered her face with her hand._

_“Hey,” Lexa pulled her hand down and cupped her face. “The point is that you will try and you won’t have something to eat you up for the rest of your life.”_

_“It’s on the other side of the world.”_

_“So what?”_

_“You are not there.”_

_“Clarke, you haven’t even sent the application and you are already thinking about me,” Lexa smiled softly. “You need to think about you and we will deal with the rest as it comes.”_

_“I don’t want to be disappointed.”_

_“You won’t be, but even if it’s a no then you will at least know you tried,” Lexa said. “There is nothing wrong with trying and failing. Never trying on the other hand, that’s so much worse.”_

_“Okay, I’ll send it.”_

_“Hurry up, you have just a couple of more days.”_

_“I won’t get in,” Clarke chuckled._

_“I don’t want to hear you say that ever again,” Lexa caressed her cheek. “Believe in yourself like you believe in me.”_

* * *

_Lexa was with Clarke when she finally sent in her application for Fine Art undergrad course at London University._

_“I’m so proud of you,” Lexa told her._

_“You need to be ready to be my shoulder to cry on when I get denied.”_

_“That’s not gonna happen, but I’ll be whatever you want me to be,” Lexa kissed the top of her head. “Let’s celebrate,” she smiled. “I’ll call Raven and Octavia and they can call Wells.”_

_“Ugh I don’t wanna celebrate.”_

_“You do, because you need your friends to take your mind off of this and everything else.”_

_“You can do that,” Clarke buried her head into Lexa’s neck._

_“I can, but so can your friends.”_

_“You are my friend.”_

_Lexa chuckled, “Clarke.”_

_“Okay,” she sighed, “you can call them.”_

* * *

_It had been 8 years since Clarke’s father died and it was the first time Clarke was bringing someone with her to his grave. No one of her friends had ever been there, except for the funeral. It’s what Clarke had wanted and it’s what they gave her._

_But now it was, probably, the last time in a long that Clarke’s gonna be able to be there on his birthday and she wanted to introduce Lexa to her father. Or to the memory of him._

_“I can’t believe it’s been 8 years,” Clarke said when they walked into the cemetery. Her hand was in Lexa’s since the moment they left Clarke’s house._

_“I can imagine.”_

_“People used to force me to talk about him, they said it was going to help me forget that he’s gone. I never want to forget.”_

_“They used to do the same thing to me, but they were trying to force me to remember.”_

_“Why do people care so much about what and how others deal with death and being sad and devastated,” Clarke sighed. “Like how do you get to the brilliant idea of telling a ten year old girl to stop thinking about her father because she’s never going to get him back and it’s only hurting her and her mom more.”_

_“Who told you that?”_

_“Jaha.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Lexa kissed the back of her hand. “He shouldn’t have done that. That’s messed up.”_

_“He kept doing it until my mom yelled at him,” Clarke’s grip on Lexa’s hand tightened. “We are here,” they stopped in front of a black tombstone that had Jake Griffin written on it. “Hi dad,” Clarke put the flowers she was carrying on the ground. “Happy birthday,” she smiled sadly. “This is Lexa,” she said, “the one I’ve told you about.”_

_“Hi Mr Griffin.”_

_“You must think I’m crazy.”_

_“I’d never think that. We cope how we cope,” she kissed Clarke’s cheek. “Besides, he’s your father, he should know who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.”_

_“You can’t take it back now.”_

_“I never had any plans of doing it.”_

_“Then let me retract,” Clarke said. “Dad, I want you to meet the love of my life.”_

_Lexa smiled, “I hope you said only nice things about me.”_

_“Is there even something not nice to say?”_

_“Well, yes,” Lexa said. “How I annoy you in the morning when all you wanna do is sleep. How I make you get up and go to sleep way too early. How you’ve ditched tea and started to drink coffee. How you’ve forgot how to draw anything besides my face. How…”_

_“How much I love you for doing and making me do all those things,” Clarke said. “The day I stop drawing your face will be the day I die.”_

_“That’s a big thing to say, maybe you should be more careful,” Lexa smiled._

_“Maybe no.”_

_Lexa heard someone walking behind them. She turned around. “This is a surprise,” it was Abby. “I didn’t know you were going to be here, I would have come later.”_

_“I’ve wanted him to meet Lexa.”_

_“Of course,” Abby smiled._

_“But we’re gonna leave you now.”_

_“You don’t have to,” Abby said._

_“I know, but I know what today means to you,” Clarke said. “We’ll see you back at house.”_

* * *

_“Why do you have a million doodles of something that looks like you?”_

_Lexa snapped the box with Clarke’s doodles from Lincoln’s hand, closed it and put it under the bed where it was before he took it. “Why are you snooping around my things?”_

_“I wasn’t snooping around, it was on your bed,” Lincoln raised his hands in defence. “Why do you have it?”_

_“Clarke gives them to me.”_

_“There’s a lot of them.”_

_“It’s a thing we do… don’t you dare laugh,” Lexa warned him when she saw him smiling._

_“Big scary captain of softball team has a soft heart,” he smiled._

_“Lincoln, I will beat you up if you say anything to anyone.”_

_“What, are you ashamed of it?,” he asked._

_“Never,” Lexa said. “It’s mine and no one else’s and I don’t want anyone to know anything about it.”_

_“Relax, you know I’m just kidding.”_

_“She’s gonna be here soon, so you better be.”_

_Then there was a knock on the door. “Do you have a Clarke sense?” Lexa glared at him before going to open the door. Not even a second later she had Clarke’s hands around her neck. “Please don’t start anything while I’m still here,” Lincoln covered his eyes._

_“Lincoln!,” Clarke said when she saw him. She pulled back from hanging around Lexa’s neck and waved tat Lincoln with her one free hand. “I haven’t seen you in a while,” she said. “We have to change that.”_

_“I couldn’t agree more,” he smiled._

_“You were about to leave, if I’m not mistaken,” Lexa said._

_“Really, I don’t remember that,” he grinned._

_“Lincoln.”_

_“Lexa,” he smirked. “Don’t be such a stranger Clarke.”_

_“I promise I’ll do better,” Clarke smiled._

_“I’m gonna leave you now,” he winked on his way out._

_“I love him,” Clarke giggled when he left._

_“More than you love me?”_

_“No one ever.”_

_“I’m taking your word for it.”_

_Clarke dragged her finger from between Lexa’s brows, down her nose and over her lips. “You’re so pretty.” Then Clarke’s hands where on Lexa’s shoulders, slowly going down her arms to her hips and under her shirt. “And so hot at the same time.” Clarke’s finger tapped on Lexa’s stomach before she hooked them under her shorts. “I had a dream about you last night.”_

_“Was it good?,” Lexa voice was low and husky._

_“Really, really good,” Clarke whispered. “You were in these shorts,” Clarke brough her hands higher up and pulled Lexa’s shirt over her head, “and that sports bra,” she settled her hands on Lexa’s hips and pushed her slightly to walk backwards. When the back of Lexa’s legs hit the chair standing behind her, Clarke made sure Lexa sat down. “And you were sitting in this chair.”_

_“And where were you all that time?,” Lexa smiled._

_“On top of you,” Clarke said as she straddled her._

_“I like this dream a lot.”_

* * *

_“What did you do Clarke?,” Octavia pulled Clarke to the side. “It was supposed to be Lexa, Raven, you and me, not Lexa, Lincoln, you and me.”_

_“We think it’s time for you two to stop acting like children and do something about it.”_

_“I’m gonna kill you and your girlfriend.”_

_“You can try,” Clarke laughed. “C’mon,” she hooked her hand under Octavia’s. “We are here,” she smiled when they got to where Lexa and Lincoln were sitting, “sorry for being late, it’s my fault.”_

_Lexa was smiling and Lincoln was freaking out, maybe even more than Octavia. “It’s alright,” Lexa said. Clarke sat next to her and Octavia was left with no other choice than to sit next to Lincoln. They have spent the majority of that past year sneaking glances and admiring one another from afar. Clarke, and Lexa, tried more than once to push them to each other, but every time, one or the other chickened out._

_“Hi,” Octavia smiled shyly when she sat down._

_“Hey,” Lincoln said._

_“Okay, now that that’s done we can have some fun.”_

_Octavia briefly looked at Lincoln and then got on her feet. “I’m gonna go order for us,” she said._

_“Octavia,” Clarke tried to stop her but with no luck. “You two are insufferable,” she said to Lincoln._

_“Me? What did I do? I should say that about you two,” Lincoln said._

_“Please, I had to suffer spending time with Bellamy Blake two years ago just because you have a crush on his sister, and still you are not doing anything about it.”_

_“I can’t do something she doesn’t want.”_

_“Oh please shut up,” Lexa rolled her eyes. “Do you think she ran away because she hates you?”_

_“It’s easy for you to say.”_

_“I’m gonna help you,” Clarke said. “Follow my lead and thank me in your wedding vows.”_

* * *

Gallery was filled with people. Mostly women, young women. And Clarke was at the center of it all. As soon as Lexa walked in she saw her at the right side of the room, in front of one of her paintings, talking to a couple of people. She was wearing tight, black, knee high dress. She was glowing.

Lexa made sure to sneak around so Clarke wouldn’t see her, at least not yet. She roamed the other side of the room. There were 5 paintings on the wall and each one had a woman in the center of it all. Her hair was falling down her back, with a couple of braids in it. Her head was high up and she was looking down the window of an empty room.

The one next it was the same woman, turned around, blackness instead of a face, but chin was up high and flowers were growing out of her hair.

The one after it was blue with green. Wrong blue and right green.

“You’re here,” Octavia took her hand under her own. Lexa turned around and smiled. Her eyes went from Clarke’s paintings to Clarke’s face. Lexa couldn’t take her eyes off of her. “She looks great, doesn’t she?,”Octavia said when she noticed where Lexa’s eyes were.

“I need a drink.”

“Oh honey,” Octavia chuckled. “Let’s find something stronger than wine.” They did find a whiskey. Lexa poured a glass then another one, and one more. “This woman looks familiar,” Octavia said looking at the painting with wrong shade of blue.

“Does it?”

“Yes, like someone I know.”

“Don’t be coy, speak your mind,” Lexa chuckled.

“You can’t say it doesn’t look a lot like you.”

“It looks like a woman with long hair who seems to like having braids.”

“Or it looks like you.”

“She doesn’t have a face.”

“If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck then it’s probably a duck,” Octavia said. “You are everywhere,” she looked around the room. “If I didn’t know her, I’d think she’s obsessed with you. Maybe she is, that would explain a lot of things.”

“Octavia please,” Lexa said.

“What? I can’t have an opinion?,” she raised her brow.

“You know what they say about opinions?”

“That you should think before you say them?”

“Very funny,” Lexa smiled.

Clarke had seen her. Lexa wasn’t sure when or how, but Lexa knew she did because she caught Clarke staring at her more than once. Lexa had spent majority of evening roaming around the room, stopping in front of every painting and in every painting she saw a piece of herself.

“What do you think?,” Clarke caught up with her some time during the evening. Lexa was in front of a big painting of another faceless woman.

“I like it,” Lexa said, her eyes still on the woman in the painting. “I like all of it.”

“Have you seen it all?”

“I still have a couple more left,” she said. “Are you selling them?”

“Yes,” Clarke leaned on the wall next to where the painting was hanged. She had a glass of wine in her hand and she was beautiful as ever. “Money goes to LGBT Youth Center in the neighbourhood.”

Lexa smiled, that was the Clarke she knew. “Then I’ll be sure to buy one,” she said.

“I’ll give one to you,” Clarke smiled.

“No, I’ll buy it.”

“No, I’ll give it to you.”

“No, I’ll buy it.”

Clarke chuckled, “Let’s see who’s gonna sell it to you.”

“That’s discrimination.”

“I don’t care,” Clarke smirked.

“That’s no way to be doing business.”

“Don’t worry about my business,” Clarke smiled.

“I wanna help the good cause.”

“Then donate some money.”

“You have an answer to everything, don’t you?,” Lexa chuckled.

“I haven’t given you one in a long time,” Clarke smiled. “It’s long overdue anyway.”

Clarke was smiling and Lexa’s heart was starting to have trouble beating steadily. It had been a long time since something like that happened. “I’m sorry about all that the other day.”

“What exactly?”

“Dinner,” Lexa said.

“Oh you mean that time you were a gigantic jerk?,” Clarke bit her lip.

“Yes,” Lexa chuckled. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“If I’ve learned one thing then it’s that history likes to repeat itself.”

“Not if we learn from our mistakes.”

“But learning from mistakes is extremely overrated, isn’t it?”

“I should probably apologize to Finn,” Lexa said.

“You’re gonna have to do that some other time,” Clarke said, “he’s not here,” she added.

“He’s not here?” It looked like Octavia was right.

“Nope.”

“Why?,” Lexa furrowed her brows.

“Why do you care?,” Clarke tilted her head.

“This is a big thing, he should be here to support you.”

“He was busy,” Clarke emptied her glass and put it on the table next to her.

“What happened to you?”

“Sorry?,” Clarke looked at her.

“What happened to you?,” Lexa sighed. “You used to be so full of life and…”

“Then life happened.”

“Why are you wasting your time on someone who can’t even be bothered to celebrate your success?”

“We settle for what we settle,” she said.

“That’s...fucking stupid.”

“Is it now?”

“Yes, it’s maybe the most stupid thing you’ve ever said.”

“I’ve said and done a lot of stupid things.”

“I think you should…”

“Lexa, you’ve lost the right to an opinion about what I should or should not do a long time ago. It’s not your place or right to be saying things like that, you yielded it, don’t you remember?,” Clarke said. “We can be civil or we won’t be, it’s up to you, but you don’t get to judge me or my life based on the last ten minutes you’ve been in it,” she seemed calm, but the fire behind the blue was giving her away. “You don’t see me waltzing into your life and making assumptions about it or telling you what to do and what not to do.”

Lexa remained silent for a moment, “There are no oceans in here,” she said with a sad smile on her face.

“I realized I need to live my life on the ground and not in the clouds.”

* * *

_“Did you open it?,” Clarke asked as soon as Lexa opened the door._

_“Hi,” Lexa leaned and kissed her._

_“Well did you?”_

_“No,” Lexa waved the unopened letter in her hand. “We agreed to do it together.”_

_“You got in, for sure.”_

_“So did you,” Lexa softly rubbed Clarke’s hand, trying to reassure her, calm her down. “When do you wanna open it?”_

_“Now?”_

_“Here?”_

_“We can go up to my room.”_

_“Okay,” Lexa took Clarke’s hand in her own, “but you need to relax, you’ll get a heart attack and for what?”_

_“That’s easy for you to say.” Clarke pulled her hand from Lexa’s and went upstairs to her room. Lexa knew her girlfriend was on the edge for quite some time, waiting for a response from the overseas art school of her dreams, but she never expected her to be that harsh with her. She shook her head and followed Clarke to her room. She found her sitting on the bed. “I’m sorry,” the letter was on the bed next to her, “it’s gonna mean so many different things, either way it goes.”_

_“And I will be there with you all the way till the end.”_

_“Will you?,” Clarke looked at her with sadness Lexa had never seen before in her eyes._

_“What’s going on Clarke?,” Lexa crouched in front of her._

_“Nothing, let’s just open this,” Clarke said instead of answering Lexa’s question. “You go first.” Lexa looked at the envelope she was holding, with a big Harvard University emblem on it. She hesitated opening it. “Please Lexa,” Clarke said. Lexa carefully opened the letter and unfolded the paper inside it. Her eyes quickly skimmed the contents. She smiled. “You got in,” Clarke whispered._

_“I got in,” Lexa looked up at Clarke._

_“I knew you would,” Clarke smiled, “you are amazing, this is amazing. It’s...it’s amazing,” she cupped Lexa’s face and kissed her softly. “I’m so proud of you,” she said as she kissed Lexa’s forehead._

_“Your turn,” Lexa whispered. Clarke hands were shaking as she was tearing open the letter she got from London art school she dreamed of going to. “Steady breaths,” Lexa put her hands over hers. Clarke took the piece of paper holding her destiny out of it and read it, slowly. Her eyes went from scared to surprise back to scared. “What does it say?”_

_“They said yes.”_

_“Clarke that’s…,” Lexa had the widest possible smile on her face, ear to ear, “that’s amazing, that’s fucking amazing,” she hugged her and held her in her arms for the longest time. “I’m so so so happy for you Clarke, and so proud of you.”_

_“I don’t wanna go,” Clarke whispered into Lexa’s hair._

_“What?,” Lexa pulled back. Clarke looked far from excited, she didn’t even look happy. “Don’t say that.”_

_“I don’t.”_

_“Why would you say that?”_

_“I don’t wanna leave you.”_

_“You’re not leaving me.”_

_“It sure feels like that.”_

_“It’s just a couple of years, we’ll see each other plenty,” Lexa said. “We can Skype and I will come over there and you’ll come home.”_

_“It’s breadcrumbs and it’s not gonna last.”_

_“Why are you saying that?”_

_“I’m gonna be on the other side of the world.”_

_“So what?”_

_“You will not be there.”_

_“You don’t trust me?,” Lexa furrowed her brows._

_“It has nothing to do with trust. I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t want to lose you Lexa.”_

_“You’ve been thinking about what?”_

_“How our life would look like,” Clarke sighed. “It’s 4 years plus another 2. That’s six years I’d have to spend on another continent, thousand miles away. We’d get to see each other maybe once every six months, if we are lucky and that’s only in early stages of it. There’s no way you or I will have any time for that kind of travel.”_

_“Why haven’t you mentioned any of this to me?”_

_“Because there was a 50 percent chance we weren’t going to be having this conversation.”_

_“You’ve spent last 3 months thinking how I’d betray you if you went away and you didn’t think to talk to me about it?”_

_“That wasn’t what I was doing.”_

_“Isn’t it?,” Lexa said. “You’ve made a decision solely based on the fact that you think I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”_

_“It’s my life not yours, and we wouldn’t handle it.”_

_“What have I ever done to make you think that?”_

_“It’s not about that, Lexa.”_

_“Seems to me it is. It looks like you are ditching a lifelong dream of yours just because you think our love is not strong enough to survive it.”_

_“I don’t want to live like that. Don’t you understand?”_

_“You’ve wanted this your whole life.”_

_“And now I want you.”_

_“You will resent me for it.”_

_“What?”_

_“In a couple of years, when you realize what you could have had, you will resent me for being the reason you don’t have it.”_

_“I’d never think that.”_

_“And we’d never break up.”_

_“You can’t know that Lexa.”_

_“And you can’t know you wouldn’t resent me.”_

_“I can because I know myself.”_

_“And I know how much I love you and how much you love me.”_

_“Why are you doing this? I’ve made a choice…”_

_“And it’s a fucking stupid one,” Lexa angrily said and turned her back to Clarke. “You don’t get to ruin your life because of me.”_

_“This is the first and last time in your life that you raise your voice at me.”_

_“Clarke,” Lexa turned around, looking calmer, at least on the outside._

_“If you ever do it again I’m turning around and never looking back.”_

_“You can’t do this.”_

_“I can do whatever the fuck I want,” Clarke said. “And you can leave now.”_

* * *

_“Are you sick?”_

_“What?”_

_Anya found her laying on the grass in their backyard. “You got into Harvard and you’re not jumping up and down. I mean I know you are not the one to show excessive amounts of happiness, but still,” she sat down next to Lexa._

_“Yay,” Lexa was looking at the stars above her head._

_“What happened to you?”_

_“I don’t wanna talk about it.”_

_“Okay, then I’m just gonna lie here with you.” It was Lexa’s first big, or any really, fight with Clarke. It was four hours since they talked and Lexa wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Instead she quietly stared at the blackness above her head. “Do you remember when we were little and you used to ask mom about the names of all the stars that you could point at?,” Anya said._

_“I do.”_

_“She gave each of us a star and told us to name it and keep it forever.”_

_“I remember.”_

_“One day you found me crying in my room and brought me out here and told me you will give me your star if that’s gonna make me feel better,” Anya smiled. “There you were, a tiny human, with nothing but the sky full of stars and you were willing to give me one just to make me feel better.”_

_“I didn’t want you to be sad.”_

_“That’s why you need to tell me what happened.”_

_Lexa let out a shaky breath, “I got into a fight with Clarke.”_

_“A fight?,” Anya sounded surprised._

_“She got into that school.”_

_“That’s amazing. Right?”_

_“She said she won’t go.”_

_“What?”_

_“She says we won’t survive that and she doesn’t want that to happen.”_

_“And what did you say to that?”_

_“Told her she should trust me and believe in us.”_

_“That’s a reasonable thing to say.”_

_“Apparently she’s been thinking about it for months, doubting me and our relationship.”_

_“She said that?”_

_“She said she spent some time thinking about what our life would look like if she went.”_

_“I wouldn’t call that doubting you or your relationship.”_

_“And what would you call it considering the fact that she couldn’t find one solution that had her following her dream and our relationship not dying.”_

_“I think you are looking at it with the wrong perspective…”_

_“It’s been her dream her whole life to do that.”_

_“Dreams change.”_

_“She’ll hate me if she doesn’t go.”_

_“You can’t know that.”_

_“I can,” Lexa said. “She maybe won’t show it but she’ll always have it in the back of her mind that she gave up on something because I was here and not there.”_

_“Lexa I think you need to leave it to her to make that decision.”_

_“I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with something like that over my head. I don’t want to live knowing that I’m responsible for her not living the life that she could.”_

_“But it’s still her life and not yours.”_

_“But she’s my life,” with tears stuck in her throat and filling her eyes Lexa sat up._

_“Oh Lex,” Anya rubbed her back. “Come here,” she hugged her._

_“I kinda yelled at her,” Lexa said. “And I hate myself for it.”_

_Anya sighed, “You need to call her or go back there and make it better. Don’t go to bed mad at her or hating yourself.”_

* * *

_I’m in front of your house. Could you come out for just a minute._

 

_Lexa shuffled her feet nervously. It was not the type of day she thought she’d be having. They were supposed to be celebrating now. She was never supposed to be in front of Clarke’s house at 9 pm waiting and praying Clarke would come out so Lexa could apologize._

_She looked up and saw Clarke walking to her and stopping when she was a couple of feet away._

_“I’m sorry,” Lexa said. “It will never happen again,” she took a step closer to Clarke. “There’s no excuse for it.”_

_“I’ll go,” she nodded. “I’ll go.”_

_Lexa closed the distance between then and took Clarke’s hand, “You will?,” she smiled._

_“Yes,” Clarke said. “But if I lose you because it, I will never forgive you.”_

_“You won’t,” Lexa wiped the tear from Clarke’s cheek. “Can I kiss you?,” she whispered._

_“Since when do you have to ask?,” Clarke chuckled._

_“Better safe than sorry.”_

* * *

_“I hear congrats are in order,” Anya smiled when she saw Clarke and Lexa sitting in front of their house. “I’m so happy for you Clarke,” Anya wrapped her hands around Clarke’s neck from the behind and kissed her cheek._

_“Thank you,” Clarke leaned her head on Anya’s._

_“But I gotta ask you something,” Anya said._

_“Anything.”_

_“Who is trying to stop who from running away? I’ve always wondered.”_

_“Um what?,” Clarke asked._

_“Hand holding. I’ve never seen you guys not being hand in hand.”_

_“Anya,” Lexa groaned._

_“She threatens me every time I ask her that,” Anya whispered._

_Clarke giggled, “It’s not to stop her from running away, it’s to keep her close to me.”_

_“Hm, interesting,” Anya said._

_“You should try it sometime, it’s healing, but don’t tell your sister I said that, she thinks I’m doing it to indulge her,” Clarke smiled._

_“I’m not sure if I wanna know what you two are whispering about or if I never wanna know.”_

_“She’s telling me what a big softie you are as if I haven’t known that already,” Anya smirked. “Don’t worry Clarke, she’s been like that ever since she could walk and talk.”_

_“And here I was hoping it was because of me.”_

_“Oh no no, showing it is because of you,” Anya chuckled._

_“I liked it better when you were whispering,” Lexa said._

* * *

“I can’t stand the way she looks at me,” Clarke slammed the door behind her. “I can’t fucking stand it.”

“Hello to you too Clarke. Come in, nice to see you,” Raven said when she saw Clarke storm into her apartment.

“Sometimes she looks at me like we are 18 again and there’s hope and…,” Clarke swallowed hard, “and other times she looks at me as if she pities me,” she said. “Yesterday she asked me how can I be with someone like Finn.”

“That’s something I wanna ask you too, on most days.”

“I don’t ask her about her fucking life, why does she have a need to ask me about mine?”

“Oh, you’re not listening to me.”

“You don’t see me asking her why she settled with Costia.”

“That’s not a thing,” Raven chuckled.

“Just like it wasn’t a thing 10 years ago.”

“I don’t know what it was then but I know what it’s now. Costia is great, she’s been a friend one could only dream of. They are not together,” Raven said. “And I don’t wanna offend anyone but don’t compare her to Finn.”

“I can’t stand the way she looks at me.”

“I know,” Raven pulled her for a hug.

“It’s breaking my heart all over again.”

“I know.”

“I haven’t realized how much I missed her until I saw her.”

“I can only imagine.”

“It’s been 10 years, why can’t I let go.”

Raven wiped the tears from Clarke’s cheeks, “For one because you two never had a proper closure,” she said. “But there’s also that other thing,” she smiled softly. “Some things are not supposed to end.”

Clarke shook her head and wiped her eyes. “I was perfectly happy living my life in London, why did I have to come back?”

“Were you happy or were you just living?”

“I haven’t seen you in flesh in a long time, but what I heard on the phone and saw on Skype was not the happy Clarke I used to know,” Raven said. “And honestly what are you doing with that guy?”

“He loves me.”

“Does he? Or does he love the idea of you loving him?,” Raven lifted her brow. “I’ve seen you in love and that’s not it.”

“What do you all have against him? He’s been by my side for a very long time and he stood there when no one else was around.”

“Maybe that’s because everyone else was on the other side of the world and you refused to come home ever,” Raven crossed her arms. “You don’t think we were by your side?”

“Raven you don’t know how hard it was.”

“I know how hard it was. Your other half was right here,” Raven said. “We all saw how hard it was.”

“You saw only a part of it.”

“I’m gonna tell you things now, that could cost me a dear friend, but you need to hear them because… you just need to,” Raven sat on the couch next to Clarke. “Remember the day you graduated? We had a Skype call, we all were there waving at you and cheering at you and being happy for you.”

“I remember.”

“She was on the other side of the camera. She made sure everyone was there so you don’t feel alone,” Raven said. “We knew you had friends, ones you always spoke so happily about, but we knew you missed home, us. She made sure you saw us all.” Clarke didn’t say anything. “I can’t even begin to describe how excited she got every time you called to say you sold another painting. Or when you had your first exhibit. God, I’ve never seen someone that happy.”

Clarke looked away and it seemed like she was in deep thought. After a few silent seconds she replied, “Why are you telling me all this now?”

“Maybe it makes you think. Maybe you realize it was hard for us all, seeing you get away from one another and that heartstring being pulled too hard until it snapped, leaving a disaster behind.”

Clarke spent the entire night thinking about Raven’s words and lack of Lexa's.


	3. Chapter 3

_ It was the first sunny day in a week full of rain and clouds. It was also the day Clarke was supposed to be leaving for London.  _

_ “You look like your life is about to end.” Raven, Octavia and Clarke were in Clarke’s room. Clarke was sitting on the floor under the window, Raven was on the chair next to her and Octavia on Clarke’s bed. _

_ “I can’t believe you won’t be here anymore.” _

_ “Octavia, what have I told you?,” Raven glared at her friend. _

_ “What?” _

_ “I’ll try to not remember you two as always fighting,” Clarke smiled. _

_ “Remember? Girl we’re gonna bother you every day, there’s no chance you are remembering or forgetting anything,” Raven put her hand around Clarke’s neck.  _

_ “I’m surprised you haven’t taken down all the drawings,” Octavia looked around the room. Everything still looked like Clarke wasn’t going anywhere. Clarke had told Lexa to take it if she wanted to have them, but Lexa said no and Clarke knew what that no meant. _

_ “I have to leave more than I take, I wanna be sure I’m gonna come back,” Clarke smiled. Smile was there to stop the question that Raven and Octavia were sure to have.  _

_ “As if you’d be able to not come back to us and that girlfriend of yours,” Raven said. “Speaking of, where is she? It’s not like her to be late.” _

_ “She’ll be here and she’s not late.” _

_ “She’s not early either.” _

_ Clarke’s bags were packed and already in her mom’s car and she said goodbyes to everyone that mattered. Except Lexa. Lexa was supposed to be there more than half an hour ago. _

_ “Are you ready?,” Abby said from the hallway. _

_ “No,” Clarke replied. _

_ “We have to leave in fifteen minutes.” _

_ “We are waiting until Lexa is here.” _

_ “She’ll be here,” Raven whispered. _

_ Clarke had spent the previous night with Lexa in Lexa’s bed. Neither of them slept or said anything. They should have probably spent it some other way, any other way, but Clarke was too scared and Lexa loved her too much to do anything but what Clarke wanted. And Clarke wanted to spend the night in her arms. _

_ “You have to know that my love will never fade away,” Lexa told her before Clarke left that morning. “Tomorrow I will love you more than I love you today, and it’s gonna be like that until the day I die.” _

_ Clarke didn’t cry when she said goodbye to Raven and Octavia. She promised all of them that she wasn’t going to cry. It was a temporary change of address and nothing more. Crying would had made it permanent.  _

_ “You were supposed to be here almost an hour ago,” Clarke told Lexa when she saw her get out of Anya’s car. Clarke was sitting in the driveway counting down the minutes. _

_ “I know, I’m sorry,” Lexa apologized.  _

_ “Don’t yell at her blondie, it’s my fault,” Anya got out of the car. “We got stuck in traffic, I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m just gonna steal a hug and then I’m gonna leave you.” Anya walked around the car and hugged Clarke. “You can forget about everyone else but please don’t forget about me,” she smiled. “And okay, maybe don’t forget Lexa. And please for the love of God have some fun while you’re there.” _

_ “I’ll try,” Clarke said. _

_ “Okay, we won’t make it final because Lexa will kill me,” Anya chuckled. “Do you need me to come and pick you up after?,” she asked Lexa. _

_ “No, I’ll manage.” _

_ “Okay then, I’m gonna go. Safe travels Clarke,” she said before driving away. _

_ “You almost didn’t make it,” Clarke stared at Lexa. _

_ “I’m sorry,” Lexa walked to her. “Anya took a shortcut and then there was a roadblock and we got stuck.” _

_ “I thought you weren’t going to come.” _

_ “Why would you ever think that?” _

_ “Because,” Clarke said. _

_ “Baby, I’d swim across the ocean for you,” Lexa kissed Clarke’s forehead. “I’d do anything for you.” _

_ “Are we ready?,” Abby asked from inside the house. _

_ “We are,” Clarke said. _

_ Three of them got into car with Clarke and Lexa on the backseat. Clarke’s head was on Lexa’s shoulder and her hand was between Lexa’s. No one said anything for the whole ride there. _

_ “You have to eat normal food and sleep normal hours.” _

_ “I know mom,” Clarke smiled. They were at the farthest point where Lexa and Abby could go with her. _

_ “And don’t drink too much. I know what college parties look like.” _

_ “Don’t worry mom,” Clarke said. _

_ “But be sure to have fun and be as amazing as we all know you are,” Abby pulled her for a hug. “And try not to forget about your mother,” Abby wiped away the tears from her eyes. _

_ “Don’t let Lexa see you cry mom,” Clarke smiled. “And I won’t forget you.” _

_ “Call as soon as you land.” _

_ “I promise,” Clarke kissed her mom and turned to Lexa. She swallowed hard. “I’m gonna call you when I land,” she said. It was the last time she was going to have the chance to touch Lexa in a long time. “And Skype when I get things in order.” _

_ “I can wait, don’t worry,” Lexa smiled softly. _

_ Clarke wrapped her hands around Lexa’s neck and hugged her tightly, “Don’t even think about trying to be funny now, Lexa,” she whispered. _

_ “I wouldn’t dare,” Lexa rubbed Clarke’s back with her hand. “Don’t cry Clarke.” _

_ “I’m not.” _

_ Lexa pulled her head back a bit and saw tears running down Clarke’s cheeks, “You promised me.” _

_ “I’m gonna have to break that one.” _

_ “It’s okay baby,” Lexa started to kiss Clarke’s cheeks. “It’s salty,” she whispered. _

_ “I told you to not be funny,” Clarke laughed through tears. _

_ “You know me,” Lexa wiped the rest of tears from Clarke’s face. _

_ “What am I going to do with the stupid drawings of tiny Lexa that I do?” _

_ “First don’t call them stupid and then put them in a box somewhere and give them to me the next time you see me. It’s just six months, don’t forget that.” _

_ “Don’t replace me,” Clarke said. _

_ “Don’t ever say that again.” _

_ “Last call for flight MW215…” _

_ “That’s me,” Clarke looked behind her back. _

_ “You have to go then,” Lexa tried smiling. _

_ “I love you,” Clarke said as if it’s gonna be the last thing she ever said. “I love you.” _

_ “I love you more,” Lexa kissed her, softly and delicately, as if trying not to break her. _

* * *

_ “Can you see me?” _

_ Lexa heard Clarke’s voice but the screen in front of her was black. Then a moment later she saw blonde hair and blue eyes that made her heart flutter. “I can,” she smiled. _

_ “Hi,” Clarke grinned. Her hair was wet and Lexa could see a towel wrapped around her body.  _

_ “You gonna give me a show?,” Lexa smirked. _

_ “I don’t wanna flash the NSA agent watching over us, but maybe you get a peak if you behave.” _

_ “That might be a good enough incite.” _

_ Clarke chuckled, “How was your first day?” _

_ “It was fun and stressful.” _

_ “Just the way you like it.” _

_ “I’ve met a bunch of people, most of them nice, some not so much.” _

_ “Any hot girls?” _

_ “An abundance.” _

_ “Don’t even joke about it.” _

_ “I only see their brains.” _

_ “That’s the scary part.” _

_ “Yours is the biggest, don’t worry,” Lexa said. Clarke laid back on her bed and held her phone up high in the air. “I like the view.” Lexa wanted to yell how much she missed Clarke wrapped around her at night, Clarke holding her hand, kissing Clarke. But she didn’t want Clarke to go to bed sad, with the same heartache she had to go to bed every night. If it meant that Clarke was going to smile, then Lexa was ready to never show how hard it is for her to smile.  _

_ “What?,” Clarke asked. _

_ “What what?” _

_ “What are you staring at?” _

_ “Can’t I just spend some time looking at my girlfriend?” _

_ “You can,” Clarke smiled. _

_ “Thank you, that’s really kind of you.” _

_ “Aren’t I the best?” _

_ “Better than the best.” _

_ “I’ve talked with Anya today,” Clarke said after a couple of moments had passed. “She says you’ve been insufferable since I left.” _

_ “Is that so?” _

_ “What do you have to say in your defense?” _

_ “I’m supposed to be the lawyer.” _

_ “That’s a lousy defense.” _

_ “I say that it’s been 14 days and 2 hours since the last time I kissed you.” _

_ “Hour and a half.” _

_ “But who’s counting,” Lexa chewed the inside of her cheek. “Apparently it’s making me insufferable.” _

_ “Pretend I’m your pillow.” _

_ “You want me to make out with my pillow.” _

_ “Better with your pillow than with one of the big brain girls.” _

_ “Is that what you do?,” Lexa chuckled. _

_ “Duhhh.” _

_ “Who is the better kisser then? Me or the pillow?” _

_ “You are more handsy.” _

_ “Take that pillow,” Lexa smiled. _

_ “Who says that’s a good thing?” _

_ “Your moans.” _

_ “Uhh don’t make me think about that,” Clarke groaned. _

_ “What? I can help you help yourself.” _

_ “Is that so?” _

_ “Only if I can watch,” Lexa said. _

_ “Interesting concept.” _

_ Lexa felt all the blood in body rush to her cheeks when Clarke started to pull down the towel. _

* * *

_ “That Costia girl seems fun,” Clarke said after Lexa finished telling Clarke about the previous get together with a couple of Lexa’s friends. “You seem to like her.” _

_ “I could say the same about Niylah,” Lexa chuckled. _

_ “I haven’t said anything bad,” Clarke lifted her hands in defense. “I’m glad you’re not lonely and that you have friends,” she said. “It’s not that I want you locked up in your room waiting for me to call you.” _

_ “She lets me talk about you all day, so I’d say she’s my best friend,” Lexa smiled. _

_ “Poor girl,” Clarke laughed. “She probably thought she’d score a hot and smart girl but then she got hot and smart girl talking her ear off about someone else.” _

_ “Not everyone wants to get in my pants.” _

_ “I disagree,” Clarke said. “They better be on high alert.” _

_ “Tell the same to all those hot British girls I keep seeing in your photos.” _

_ “I’ll make sure I don’t forget.” _

_ It was a play Lexa did for Clarke. She knew Clarke would never even look at someone else the same way she looks at her, she wouldn’t even think about doing it. But she also saw that Clarke’s jealousy wasn’t a fake one. Lexa avoided talking about other people unless Clarke asked her what and with who and how. It served no purpose and Clarke was the only one to notice how pretty or not Lexa’s friends were. Costia seemed to be the one that Clarke disliked, or didn’t like to see with Lexa, the most. Costia was the only one Lexa felt free enough to talk about Clarke with. If she showed Anya how much she struggled with the distance between them, she’d pressure Lexa into telling Clarke about it. And if she said anything to Raven or Octavia or even Lincoln, then they’d tell all about it to Clarke. Costia was willing and detached from everyone and everything and she listened. “Only five more months,” Lexa said. _

_ “Don’t tell anyone but I’m counting down the minutes.” _

_ “Makes two of us.” _

_ “It’s gonna pass in a blink of an eye,” Clarke smiled. _

_ “Then keep blinking, please.” _

* * *

Lexa was startled when she heard her doorbell ring 9pm on a Saturday night.  She got up from the couch and walked to do door. Lexa looked through the peephole and was more than surprised to see Clarke on the other side of the door.

“Hi,” she said when she opened and let Clarke come in. 

“Surprise,” Clarke offered her a smile.

“And then some,” Lexa stepped to the side. “Come in,” she said and closed the door after Clarke.

“Raven gave me the address.”

“Okay,” Lexa said. “Um, do you want a drink or something.”

“Water would be nice, thank you.”

Lexa went to the kitchen, took two glasses out of the cabinet and filled them with water. She handed one to Clarke and drank from the other. “Is everything okay?,” she asked when Clarke didn’t look like she was going to say anything. Of all the people she knew, Clarke was the last one Lexa expected to drink water in her kitchen.

“What?,” Clarke said, distracted by looking around Lexa’s apartment. “You live alone?”

“I live alone yes,” Lexa put the glass down and leaned on the counter. “Has something happened? Are you okay?”

Clarke furrowed her brows, then nodded, “No no, I was just walking around in the neighbourhood.”

“Really?,” Lexa raised her brow.

“Not really,” Clarke chuckled. “I was walking but to get here not aimlessly,” she said. “But everything’s fine, don’t worry.”

“Okay.” 

“Have you ever cheated on me?,” it was the first time Clarke looked her in the eyes since she saw her standing in front of her door.

“That’s a strange thing to ask, don’t you think?”

“I’m tired of thinking.”

“Have I ever cheated on you?”

“Yes.”

“What do you think?”

“What do I think or what I want to hear?”

“I know what you want to hear.”

“You do?”

“You want me to say yes, even if it meant I’d lie, you want to hear me say yes.”

“It would explain a lot of things.”

“It wouldn’t. It would just make a lot of things easier.”

“Have you?”

“Never.”

“Never?”

“No, Clarke, never.” The name rolled off of her tongue without thinking about it. Lexa saw on Clarke’s face the same type of pain Lexa felt on Lincoln and Octavia’s party. 

Lexa saw her battling it and pushing it to the side, for some other time and day. “You haven’t even kissed her after one too many missed calls and fights?,” Clarke said after a while. 

Lexa sighed. “No, whatever you might think of me, I’ve never done anything or even thought about doing it,” she said. “Costia was always just a friend.”

“That’s hard to believe.”

“Is it really?,” Lexa tilted her head. “You really think I’d do that? Putting aside everything that we were, you think I’m the type of person to do something like that?”

“No.”

* * *

_ Four months after Clarke left, time difference was starting to be too much. It’s not easy to maintain a relationship when there’s 6 hours between you and when life keeps you both more than busy. When Clarke had free time, Lexa was in class. When Lexa had free time, Clarke was too tired to keep her eyes open for too long. _

_ Sometimes it was easier to never even make a call than to argue through the entirety of if. _

_ “I can’t do tomorrow,” Lexa yawned. _

_ “You did not just yawn at me.” _

_ “I’m tired,” Lexa said. _

_ “It’s 2am here Lexa, I’ve spent 4 hours waiting for you to call me just to say that you can’t talk because you are tired.” _

_ “I got up at 5am this morning to talk to you.”  _

_ “You fell asleep five minutes into it.” _

_ “I’m tired, what do you want me to do Clarke?” _

_ “You weren’t tired two days ago when you were out with Costia.” _

_ “Do you really wanna fight now Clarke?” _

_ “Might as well.” _

_ “I’m tired of…,” Lexa sighed. _

_ “Of the bitch on the other side of the world who keeps you awake when you just wanna sleep.” _

_ “Clarke…” _

_ “Maybe you should drop her and get on with Costia, she seems real fucking nice.” _

_ “Clarke do you hear yourself?” _

_ “We haven’t talked for longer than 10 minutes in weeks.” _

_ “Because we both are busy with school.” _

_ “Yeah so busy we can’t even find time to talk. Maybe we shouldn’t talk at all then.” _

_ “Don’t say that Clarke.” _

_ “What do you want me to say Lexa?,” Clarke said. “That I’m over the moon because we are not talking? That I’m so happy with how things are going?,” Clarke looked away from the camera. “I’m so fucking happy right now. This is exactly what I hoped my life would look like.” _

_ Screen went black and Lexa was left alone in the darkness of her room.  _

_ Some days it was better. _

_ “We missed you today,” Lexa smiled at her screen. _

_ “You did?,” Clarke asked from the other side.  _

_ “I missed you.” _

_ “Next time I promise I’ll be there.” _

_ “I’ll make sure to tell Lincoln that,” Lexa chuckled. _

_ “Raven tells me he has a positive impact on Octavia,” Clarke grinned. _

_ “Yes, there’s not as much yelling anymore,” Lexa said. “You look tired.” _

_ “Are you trying to say I look like shit?” _

_ “No, you look really pretty, but also tired.” _

_ Clarke yawned, “I’ll be fine,” she said. “What are your plans for tonight?” _

_ “Watch a movie in bed or sleep, I have to be up early.” _

_ “Do you think you could squeeze me in there somewhere?” _

_ “In the morning? Of course,” Lexa smiled. “If you go to sleep now.” _

_ “Tell me a story,” Clarke laid down and put her phone on the pillow.  _

_ “Do you have a wish?” _

_ “Whatever is good, just talk.” _

_ That night Lexa didn’t watch a movie or slept, she did something much better. She watched Clarke sleep on the other side of the world. _

* * *

_ “You look like shit. Are you sleeping at all? You don’t have to spend every hour of the day studying.” _

_ “I am sleeping.” _

_ “Then what’s the matter.” _

_ “Nothing.” _

_ “Nothing with blonde hair and blue eyes?” _

_ “Anya.” _

_ “So yes,” Anya shook her head.  “What happened?” _

_ “Nothing happened.” _

_ “Then why do you look like shit.” _

_ “It’s hard.” _

_ “Did you have another one of your fights?” _

_ “She said she’d call me and she didn’t. I waited for 2 hours before giving up and going to bed,” Lexa sighed. _

_ “And why didn’t you call her?” _

_ “Because I’m tired of always being the one to care.” _

_ “Now that’s a bit harsh.” _

_ “She finds time to talk with Raven and Octavia every day, yet she has a problem with finding time for me, her girlfriend. And she keeps moaning about me hanging out with Costia. I’m like 80% sure she thinks I’m cheating on her.” _

_ Anya lifted her brow, “Clarke does not think you are cheating on her,” she said. “What has gotten into you?” _

_ “I feel like I’m gonna lose her.” _

_ “What?,” Anya said. “You’ve been together for 3 years and it’s been only five months, get your shit together.” _

_ “Last 5 times we talked we ended up fighting.” _

_ “Because you are not used to being apart, not even for a day, let alone for 5 months. Just chill a bit will you,” Anya said. “She’ll be home in a month.” _

_ “I’m scared.” _

* * *

_ “You are going with her, aren’t you?” _ _   
_

_ “It’s six of us Clarke.” _

_ “But she’s gonna be there.” _

_ “Clarke.” _

_ “Will she be there Lexa?” _

_ “She will yes, and it doesn’t make a difference.” _

_ “It makes a big fucking difference.” _

_ “Why are you so jealous of something and someone you have no reason to be.” _

_ “Would you be jealous if I were to spend every waking hour with some hot chick.” _

_ “I wouldn’t if you were to tell me that she’s just a friend and that I have nothing to worry about.” _

_ “That’s bullshit and you know it.” _

_ “I honestly don’t know why you are so sprung out over this,” Lexa said. “Do you want me to stay in and not go anywhere?” _

_ “I won’t be the one to tell you what to do.” _

_ “But you will get mad at me for doing it.” _

_ “It’s your choice to go out with her and not stay in with me.” _

_ “Clarke you’ve just got back from being out. Why didn’t you spend time with me instead?” _

_ “It’s not the same.” _

_ “Why? Because you would never even look at someone and I’m over here seducing women left and right.” _

_ “I never said you were seducing anyone,” Clarke yelled. _

_ “Don’t yell at me Clarke.” _

_ “I’m not yelling at you, I’m trying to talk to you and you are playing dumb,” Clarke said. “She’s in love with you.” _

_ “She’s not.” _

_ “Yes she is.” _

_ “She knows I have a girlfriend Clarke, I talk about you all the time.” _

_ “When has that ever stopped anyone?” _

_ “I’m not gonna fight with you over this, it’s stupid and it makes no sense and you need to get it out of your head.” _

_ “Lexa, I don’t want you to go out with her.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “I don’t want you to go out with her.” _

_ “This obsessive jealous thing needs to stop.” _

_ “Will you go out with her?” _

_ “I will go out with my friends, just like you went out with yours.” _

_ “Have a fucking fun night then.” _

_ “Cl-,” Clarke ended the call before letting Lexa say anything else. “Fucking hell.” _

* * *

_ “Clarke calm down,” it was hard seeing person you love cry and it was even harder when that person was on the other side of her world and there was an ocean, thousands of miles of land and a phone screen between you. “Please Clarke,” Raven begged her friend. _

_ “I don’t want to calm down Raven.” _

_ “You need to,” Octavia said. _

_ “She’s slipping away.” _

_ “She’s not, she loves you.” _

_ “Love has nothing to do with this,” Clarke said. _

_ “Love has everything to do with this,” Raven tried to calm her down. “She loves you and you won’t lose her.” _

_ “I’m not there and she is and she’s gonna take her.” _

_ “No one will take her Clarke,” Raven said. _

_ “She loves you,” Octavia added. _

_ “How can you not understand that I’m million miles away and… I don’t know what to do.” _

_ “You’re gonna be home in a month, please calm down and just try to breathe,” Raven said. “I can understand why you feel like you do and I can’t imagine how hard these past months have been for you, especially after spending every day for three years within arms reach. It’s hard, I get it, we all do, but you need to calm down and trust that what you have is strong enough.” _

_ “I feel she gets progressively more annoyed with me every time we talk.” _

_ “That’s not true,” Octavia said. “She clears out her schedule when you tell her you’ll call her.” _

_ “But you have to understand that she also has to have a life,” Raven said. “You go out and hang out with people and talk about having a great time, you can’t be mad at her for doing the same thing. And that’s perfectly normal and you both should live your lives.” _

_ “It’s Lexa,” Octavia added. _

_ “I hate what my life has become.” _

* * *

It was strange and at the same time not strange at all to sit with Clarke in silence. They’ve done it a million times million years ago. Clarke looked like she needed something, something she wasn’t ready to ask for or say out loud. They sat next to each other, both looking at the empty glasses in front of them. Lexa sat there and listened to Clarke breathing, slow and shallow, and Clarke sat there pulling her own finger so much it had started to go white. “You’re gonna break your finger,” Lexa decided to break the silence that was threatening to eat them alive.

Clarke chuckled and dropped her hands under the counter, “It’s a distraction.”

“I know,” Lexa said. 

“He’s cheating on me,” Clarke whispered after another minute of silence. “Finn is cheating on me.” Lexa didn’t know what to say, she didn’t even know if Clarke wanted her to say anything. There were too many and not enough words. “Shocking I know,” Clarke chuckled. “He thinks I don’t know,” she said. “It’s been going on for a while now.”

“I’m sorry,” it was the easiest and most honest thing Lexa could say.

“Are you really?,” she turned her head and looked at Lexa. Her eyes made Lexa want to scream.

“He’s a piece of shit.”

Clarke chuckled. “No one knows and I want it to stay that way.”

“Why don’t you leave him?”

“That’s not your question to ask.”

“That’s…”

“I know you were with her after we broke up,” Clarke said. “With Costia.”

“A year after, for 3 months because it never worked out.”

“It seems people I’m with have no trouble finding people they like more than me.”

“Clarke.”

“Don’t Clarke me.”

“Was I really that bad that you are putting me in the same sentence with someone who is disrespecting you like that?”

“You’ve done something much worse.” Clarke turned her head away, blinking away the tears that were threatening to betray her.

“Then what should I say about things you did after we broke up?”

“What? How I had sex with a bunch of people?”

“Clarke you don’t have to do all this.”

“Do what?”

“Break my heart. It’s already broken.”

“Whose fault is that? You broke up with me.”

“And you let me.”

* * *

_ “Have you booked the plane yet?” _

_ “Hello to you to Lexa,” Clarke chuckled. _

_ “Hi,” Lexa smiled. “Have you?” _

_ “We need to talk.” _

_ “We do?” _

_ “Yes,” Clarke bit her lip. _

_ “That doesn’t sound that good.” _

_ “I have to tell you something.” _

_ “Oookay. Should I be worried?” _

_ “No. It’s… just don’t be mad at me, please.” _

_ “What’s going on Clarke?” _

_ “I won’t be coming home.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “I can’t come before summer.” _

_ “I thought you had 2 weeks free?” _

_ “There’s an extra course I took and…” _

_ “Extra course you took?” _

_ “I’ll come visit in 4 months.” _

_ “When did you take the course?” _

_ “Two weeks ago.” _

_ “You’ve let me look forward and talk nonstop about something for two weeks when you knew it wasn’t going to happen?” _

_ “It’s not like that, I didn’t know how to tell you.” _

_ “I feel like such an idiot.” _

_ “Lexa c’mon. It’s just 4 more months. Then I’ll be there for a month and a half.” _

_ “Yeah, and it’s been just 5 months since you’ve left. We are doing great.” _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ “I’m sure you are.” _

_ “What’s that supposed to mean?” _

_ “I have to go.” _

_ There’s still a crack in the wall where Lexa’s fist landed after she ended the call. _

* * *

_ “Are you sure you don’t wanna do something with us?” _

_ “I’ve told you I have a date with Clarke, she has the night free and I’m gonna stay in and we’ll watch a movie or something.” _

_ “Okay,” Anya said. “When is that?” _

_ “4pm,” Lexa put Anya on speaker and sat on the floor. “In less than an hour.” _

_ “Have you fancied yourself up?” _

_ “No,” Lexa chuckled.  _

_ “What are you gonna do tonight?” _

_ “Depends on when Clarke’s gonna fall asleep. I might do nothing or maybe go buy drinks to a couple of people.” _

_ “Don’t tell that to Clarke.” _

_ “Don’t start.” _

_ “I’m just saying.” _

_ “I’m gonna go, I have to take a shower and eat something before she calls.” _

_ “Have fun,” Anya said before hanging up. _

_ The next hour passed faster than Lexa thought or hoped it would. She took a shower and ate a sandwich and soon after she was in bed waiting for Clarke’s call. They’ve hit a bumpy road, with Clarke not coming home and with Lexa not being able to go there. Life wasn’t as good as Lexa thought it would be. As a matter of fact it was so far from good that she didn’t even know what good meant.  _

_ She waited for a call that was supposed to take things to calmer waters. But then it was 4.30pm and Clarke wasn’t responding to her calls. Then 5 came and Clarke didn’t respond to texts.  _

_ Lexa spent the next 3 hours walking up and down her room, praying that Clarke was alive and hoping that nothing had happened. _

_ Then the call came.  _

_ “Happy birthday,” Clarke looked and sounded drunk.  _

_ “Do you know what time it is?,” Lexa was fuming. She didn’t even care that Clarke didn’t show up, it was the not saying anything part that made her wanna kill her. _

_ “It’s…. 3,” Clarke smiled. “Happy birthday. Or past birthday, but it’s still your birthday there.” _

_ “I thought you were dying in some hospital.” _

_ “So dramatic.” _

_ “Where were you?” _

_ “Out with some people.” _

_ “Out? Do you remember what you were supposed to be doing?” _

_ “Shit, I forgot,” Clarke frowned. “I’m sorry, I forgot, they came in my room and made me go out with them. I forgot.” _

_ “You care that much that you forgot?” _

_ “Please don’t make a big deal out of this.” _

_ “Not to make a big deal? I’ve called you a hundred times.” _

_ “My phone died.” _

_ “I can’t believe you.” _

_ “I can’t help you with that.” _

_ “Goodnight Clarke.” _

_ It was the second worst night of Lexa’s life. _

* * *

_ “How was your day?” _

_ It was the second time in as many weeks that they’ve talked. Lexa had sent 5 texts and Clarke had sent 6. Neither of them called the other. “Not bad,” Lexa said. “Yours?” _

_ “It was okay.” _

_ “What are you gonna do tomorrow?” _

_ “I have no idea, I might go for a walk, or picnic with a couple of people.” _

_ “That’s nice.” _

_ “What about you?” _

_ “I’m gonna study with some people,” Lexa said. “Then at some point in the day Anya will come visit. I’ll take her for a dinner or something.” _

_ “Make sure to say hi from me.” _

_ “I will.” Lexa noticed Clarke looking at her watch 3 times in a minute. “Have you booked a plane?” _

_ “Not yet.” _

_ “Will you?” _

_ “I’m not in the mood to fight.” _

_ “I’m just asking,” Lexa said. “Raven and Octavia would like to see you.” _

_ “Raven and Octavia?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Then I’ll talk about coming with Raven and Octavia.” _

_ “Make sure to say hi from me.” _

_ “What is your problem Lexa?” _

_ “My problem?” _

_ “Yes, what is your problem? Why are you trying to make us fight?” _

_ “Yeah that would be such a shame because this thing we are doing now is so nice and fulfilling, I feel so happy.” _

_ “I don’t need your sarcasm.” _

_ “Maybe this is not working.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “I thought it was going to be different, this long distance thing, but I was wrong.” _

_ “Lexa…” _

_ “You are busy, I am busy, it’s been months since we had a normal conversation. Every time we talk you spend half the time looking at your watch and counting down the minutes until you can say you are tired and you wanna go to sleep.” _

_ “So it’s my fault?” _

_ “It takes two to do this.” _

_ “In the last three months you’ve spent maybe 10 days without seeing Costia. Do you know how many times you’ve seen me?” _

_ “You are never there when I call.” _

_ “And you are always busy when I call you.” _

_ “This is not working.” _

_ “It’s your fucking fault.” _

_ “It’s my fault?” _

_ “You made me go to London,” Clarke said. “If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be here.” _

_ “This was a mistake.” _

_ “Maybe you and I were a mistake.” _

* * *

“We were kids,” Lexa said after a couple of minutes. “We fell in love and we…,” she shook her head. “What hurt me the most was that you somehow managed to find time for everyone but me.”

“She was always all over you.”

“She was a friend Clarke. Why is that so hard for you to understand even after all these years?”

“She had what I couldn’t have. I wasn’t sleeping for months when I first came there. Do you know how hard it is to sleep alone when you’re used to having someone hold you.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey Lexa I miss you so much I cry myself to sleep every night’, ‘Hey Lexa I hate being here without you’, ‘Hey Lexa my heart is in thousand pieces’, ‘Hey Lexa why did you make me leave?’. You were always so happy, smiling, it never looked like you…”

“That’s because I didn’t want to make you feel bad… It made my life fucking miserable. There I was, crying in that fucking room only to see you happy. I thought I was stupid for…,” Lexa shook the thought out of her head. “We’ve never had a problem talking and being honest, I don’t understand how we went from that to  _ that. _ ”

“It’s one thing to talk while lying in the same bed and something completely different to do it while on different sides of the world.”

“It was supposed to be the same thing.”

“You were the kindest, sweetest, funniest, most caring and lovable person in the whole world and I was me,” Clarke looked away. “It was hard to believe you’d… it was easier to be self destructive.”

“Clarke, my whole heart was with you in that bed on the other side of the world. My every thought… I’ve tried so hard…”

“And there it is again, blaming me for everything.” 

Clarke turned her back to her, but Lexa managed to see the glimpse of tears starting to fall down her cheeks. But even if she had missed it, she heard it in Clarke’s voice. It was the one etched in her memory, one she tried so hard to forget. “Hey,” she tried to get Clarke to turn around but with no success. Lexa reached out her hand and did something she hadn’t in a very long time. Her fingers brushed down Clarke’s forearm before she wrapped them around her wrist, “Clarke,” she whispered, “please.” Clarke finally turned around and Lexa saw in her eyes pain she had never seen before. “I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like it was your fault.” She wiped the tears off of Clarke’s cheeks but they just kept coming. “All those things you said I was… I realize now I should have been softer with you. We… I thought not changing anything was the way to go but it was wrong because when you left everything changed. I should have changed with the way I am with you and with the way I talk to you and… it was never possible for things to remain the same and I insisted like a fucking fool…” Lexa looked into the eyes that were once the source of all her happiness. “Clarke, don’t cry, please.”

“It was never a mistake,” Clarke’s hands were shaking. She put them over Lexa’s on her face. “Do you understand?”

“It was the best three years of my life.”

“I’m sorry I never came back home. I’m sorry for all the stupid things I’ve said and done. I’m sorry I chose…”

“Clarke you’ve done things I couldn’t have even imagined you’d do and I was and am your biggest fan,” Lexa smiled. “You don’t have to apologize, it was never between choosing this or that, it was only about doing the right thing for you,” Lexa said. “It’s always just and only about that. That’s the only thing that matters. And I’d still move mountains if it meant you’d get what you deserve.”

“I don’t deserve that.”

“You do,” Lexa said. “Woman standing in front of me is far from the girl I said goodbye to on that airport, but when I look into your eyes I still see the same blue I saw then and I’d do everything for that blue.”

Clarke smiled, she pulled Lexa’s hands down and off of her face. “Do you like the hair?” It felt surreal to have Clarke in front of her, holding her hands and smiling, no matter how cracked and lost the smile seemed.

“There’s a lot less of it now,” sometimes it felt like not a day had passed and that they were 17 again.

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“You tell me,” and sometimes Lexa couldn’t forget the miles between them.

“You’ve done some amazing things.”

“I have?”

“You didn’t think you’d be the only one keeping tabs on the other?”

“How do you know I kept tabs on you?”

“A little bird whispered in my ear.”

“Well, with everything put aside, I am so proud of what you’ve accomplished,” Lexa said. 

“That makes two of us.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t what you needed.”

“And I’m just sorry,” Clarke said. 

“Why didn’t we have this conversation 10 years ago?”

“Because we were the smartest most dumb people in the world.”

“We were kids.”

“We were.”

It was dangerous the way Clarke looked and how close she was. It was too dangerous. All those years and it was still just a moment away. It was dangerous because Lexa wanted it and she knew Clarke wasn’t going to stop her. But then there was a muffled buzzing somewhere in the room that gave her a chance to escape. Lexa looked around the room, tapped her pockets but the buzzing was still persistent. “That’s my phone,” Clarke said. 

“Oh,” it was reality buzzing to remind them that they are far from where they were and even further from where they could have been. “You’re not gonna take it?,” Lexa looked at Clarke’s eyes, bright blue and begging her to ask what was on both of their minds. “Maybe it’s important.”

Clarke took the phone out of her pocket, looked at it and put it back where it was before, “Maybe,” she said. “I should go. I’m sorry for jumping you like this.”

“It’s totally fine,” it was the most stupid thing Lexa could have said to the person waiting for a different kind of stupid. 

Clarke smiled, big and uninhibited, “It’s been so long but you are still the same old Lexa.”

“It’s one of those things you can’t relearn.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Clarke smiled. “Thanks for…,” Clarke waved her hand between their bodies, “...this. It’s been…”

“Unforgettable.”

“Exactly.”

“Night Clarke,” Lexa opened the door and watched as Clarke took small, tiniest steps out of her apartment. Maybe she was still waiting for the stupid to happen, or maybe she was just stealing every second she could.

“Good night Lexa.”

It wasn’t until much later that night that Lexa’s heart stopped beating like there was no tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

“It’s okay if you wanna go.”

“I’m not so sure it is.”

“I’m sure it is, we can ask her.”

“Yeah that wouldn’t be awkward at all. ‘Hey Lexa, do you mind if your ex girlfriend comes to your birthday party?’”

“At least we are back to being allowed to say her name.” 

Clarke kept staring at the ceiling in Raven’s bedroom. There was a crack in the far right corner of the room. “You need a paint job.”

“What?,” Raven crashed down next to her.

“There’s a crack in your wall.”

“I know, Anya won’t shut up about it.”

“You two look good together,” Clarke smiled. “Who would have thought.”

“I hope that’s a compliment,” Raven chuckled, then after a short pause added, “You can be my plus one.”

“And what will Anya be?”

“Anya doesn’t need to be my plus one for her sister’s birthday party.”

“I don’t know Raven.”

“It’s gonna be fun. You can meet all of Lexa’s fancy friends.”

“Clarke Griffin in my bed,” Anya was leaned on the door, “there’s a first time for everything.”

“Come join us,” Clarke smiled.

“What are we looking at?,” Anya lied at Clarke’s right side, with Raven on her left that put her in the middle between her two friends.

“Crack in your wall,” Clarke said.

“Don’t say anything,” Raven jumped in before Anya could say a proper response to Clarke unknowingly agreeing with her. “And we’re not looking at that.”

“We’re not?,” Clarke asked.

“No, we are looking deep in our souls to find a good enough reason for Clarke to not go to Lexa’s party.”

“Raven,” Clarke warned.

“I don’t think you’ll find one half decent,” Anya chuckled.

“I know more than one good enough.”

“Or we can ask the woman in charge,” Anya took out her phone, tapped her finger on Lexa’s name and put her on speaker.

“Anya, what are you doing?,” Clarke tried to sit up but Raven pulled her back down.

“Shhh,” Anya whispered.

“You forgot something?,” Clarke heart was aching and burning and crying, all at the same time when she heard a voice too familiar answer Anya’s call.

“I have to warn you that you are on the speaker so behave.”

“Who’s there?,” it sounded like Lexa had a mouthful of something.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, haven’t I taught you anything?” 

“What do you want Anya?”

“Don’t you wanna know who is with me?”

“Can you get on with it, you are wasting my precious lunch minutes.”

“I’m with Raven in our bed and we have a pretty girl stuck between us.”

“And you’re calling me?”

“Stop,” Clarke whispered and pinched Anya’s shoulder.

“Ouch,” Anya groaned, “she’s getting aggressive.” On the other side of the bed Raven giggled and Clarke couldn’t decide between speaking up or digging a hole in the bed and disappearing in it. 

“I’m gonna hang up Anya,” Lexa sounded annoyed and Clarke decided she was gonna dig that hole.

“Okay okay, sorry, it’s Clarke,” Anya finally confessed.

“Clarke?”

Anya’s elbow landed somewhere between Clarke’s fifth and sixth rib. “Hi Lexa,” she decided hole had to be deep enough so that no one ever finds her.

“What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry about all this, it was Anya’s idea, terrible idea,” Clarke apologized.

“Don’t listen to that,” Anya said. “We’ve called to ask if we can make Clarke our plus one for the party?”

“I told her to not do that,” Clarke said. “But you know these two, they don’t listen,” she smiled awkwardly as if Lexa was somehow able to see her.

“Clarke,” Anya tried to stop her.

“They wouldn’t listen and you know the rest, I’m sorry we are interrupting your lunch.”

“Clarke,” Anya tried again, this time even pulling her hand, but with no help.

“We should probably leave you to it and forget this ever happened,” Clarke wasn’t breathing. “Yes we should do that.”

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice was finally able to shut her up, “relax.”

“I wish I could do that,” Anya chuckled.

“Shut up Anya, I’m gonna deal with you later,” Lexa said. “Clarke.”

“Yes?”

“Do you wanna come to the party?”

“I don’t wanna impose…”

“It’s gonna be people you know and a couple you can get to know,” Lexa said. “But it’s totally fine if you don’t, don’t let Anya or Raven pr-”

“I would like to,” Clarke practically breathed out those couple of words.

“Okay then,” Lexa said. “I look forward to seeing you. And you Anya don’t know what’s coming your way.”

“Byeee,” Anya ended the call before Lexa could say anything else. “See?”

“That was probably one of the most embarrassing things that happened to me.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Anya chuckled. “It was just Lexa.”

“Rule number one,” Raven chuckled, “it’s never just Lexa.”

“I hate you both,” Clarke said.

* * *

“I have to find out from my boss that she’s your ex?”

Fights with Finn were different. Clarke was never a passive person, she was never known to sit out a fight or to not speak her mind. But with Finn it was different. Not in the beginning though. In the beginning Clarke was furious and she showed it. Aftermaths of the fights were also different back then. These days when he was done yelling, Clarke would go to sleep and he would, in most cases, go out and Clarke didn’t care enough to ask where exactly.

This fight was going to be different. Clarke could feel it in her every bone. This time he was going to yell about Lexa and she wasn’t going to sit that one out.

Clarke was standing a couple of feet away from him. He had just gotten back from work, he said. And he started to yell from the moment he stepped into the apartment. “Can you not yell?,” she said calmly.

“Can I not yell?,” it didn’t make him change his tone or attitude. 

“Yes. Can we talk like two adults? Or is that too much to ask?”

“I will talk the way I want to, not the way you tell me to,” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me she was your ex?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Why would you do that? Are you serious?”

“I will not talk with you until you lower your voice. You will not yell at me.”

“I said I will do what I want,” he took a step closer to her.

“I will leave.”

“No, you won’t, you will stand there and tell me why you didn’t say anything? Why did you make me look like a fool? I felt so fucking stupid,” he took another step and Clarke’s heart started to beat just a bit faster. She had never seen him like that, and he had never yelled at her like that.

“We’ve lived on the other side of the world, there was no chance you’d ever see her,” Clarke said.

“Yeah, but that’s not where we are now, is it Clarke?”

“I still don’t see why I should’ve said something.”

“You made me look like a fool. Is that something that makes you proud and happy? I’m probably a laughing stock of all your friends. And her.”

“You think they are laughing at you because she’s my ex?,” Clarke made a mistake of laughing. It only made him more angry.

“Now it makes sense why she was a such a bitch at that dinner.”

“You will not call her that.”

“I’m not?,” he laughed. “What, you’re gonna stop me?,” he walked and walked until his body bumped into Clarke’s. “What the fuck is wrong with you?,” he had the type of rage in his eyes that made Clarke’s stomach drop and make her wanna run to the other side of the universe.

“Can you step away from me?,” Clarke’s breathing was hard and heavy and she was trying hard not to show it. He smiled and tried to put his hands on her hips. “Don’t touch me,” she yanked them away.

“Why not? It’s been a while.” Clarke took a step back, trying to put some space between them, but he followed her. “I can remind you why you are with me and not with her.”

“I’m gonna cut off your balls if you don’t stop.”

“Look at you, threatening and everything,” he chuckled but he did stop and took a step back, away from Clarke. 

“I’m not threatening,” Clarke’s heart was slowly but surely starting to go back to normal. Clarke sighed, “What are we doing Finn?” He frowned but didn’t say anything. “Why are we still doing this?”

“Doing what Clarke?”

“This… pretending,” Clarke said. “You were available and I was a trophy. We have nothing in common.”

“So you are fucking her?”

“No Finn, she’s not the type to do that and neither am I.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?,” he scoffed.

“Why do you even care?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Come on Finn, I’ve known about your  _ friend  _ for months.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he crossed his arms and took a more defensive stand.

“You really wanna do that?,” Clarke lifted her brow.

“I’ll stop,” he said after a moment or two.

“But I’m telling you that you don’t have to,” Clarke said, “this is not working. We both know that. You must know that.”

“We can change it.”

“Five minutes ago you were saying something else.”

“I was joking.”

“You weren’t.”

“Clarke c’mon,” he stepped closer to her.

“No,” Clarke stepped away. “Let’s not.”

“You are wrong if you think I’m gonna let you be with that…”

“Be careful Finn, don’t say things you know you shouldn’t.”

“What do you want?,” he gritted through his teeth.”

“Just peace.”

“And for me to leave my apartment.”

“I’ve paid for it,” Clarke said, “but you can have it, I don’t care. I have friends more than happy to lend a bed, I’m not so sure if you do.”

“Fuck off then.”

“Goodbye Finn.”

* * *

Clarke had options, she always had options. She could’ve gone to Octavia, but then Lincoln was going to be there and that was like going to Lexa’s place. There was also Raven, but there was also Anya. She couldn’t help but laugh, in the middle of the street, at 10pm. Two of her best friends were in love with brother and sister of her ex love.

In the end, she opted for the closest hotel she could find. Tomorrow she was going to be human, but for that night, she had to be just Clarke. 

She got a room she didn’t care about on the second floor of a hotel whose name she didn’t know. 

She only packed one bag before she left. Some clothes, her sketchbook and a big box full of memories. Clarke knew she’d have to go back eventually and pack and do all that things people do when they break up with the person they’ve been living with, but the good thing was that most of her stuff was still in boxes, unpacked. She wasn’t going to have much trouble moving them from place A to place B. She just had to decide what place B was going to be.

When she got to the room, she placed the bag next to the bed and lied down with her eyes closed. It was an ugly thing to think, but she didn’t care about what happened not even an hour before and she knew, no matter how much he pretended, Finn didn’t care either.

Maybe he did love her once upon a time, but they got to the point where she didn’t mind living with him and he had something to brag about.

Clarke laughed when she realized how his latest bragging ended. She wondered if he said something, or if Cage said something, or if maybe Lexa was there. Maybe they were in court and they were up against her and Finn had said something and Cage told him who she was to Clarke. 

It was a nice thought to entertain, but Clarke knew it was probably far from what happened. It was probably an intern talking too much. Clarke did wonder how could anyone know about something that ended so many years ago. It’s not as if Lexa or Clarke went around announcing to the world what they were and what had happened. Clarke for sure wasn’t the one to remind herself or anyone else. And Lexa probably wasn’t a fan herself. 

This time Clarke will have to go around announcing what had happened. It was so much different last time she was lying in bed, having ended a relationship. She was crying for one. She couldn’t stop crying for hours and days. 

This time she felt relieved. 

That time she wanted to disappear from the face of the Earth, make everything and everyone stop, she didn’t want to exist. 

This time she wanted the opposite.

Clarke pushed herself on her elbows and looked down at the bag on the floor. She could remember the last time she had a bag almost identical to that laying next to her. She could remember the sounds that were surrounding her, she could remember tears in her mother’s eyes and she could remember the feeling of Lexa’s body pressed against her. The way her heart was beating, how she was trying to hide her hands shaking, the warmth of her breath and the promises she made. 

But Clarke couldn’t remember what Finn was wearing an hour ago. 

She closed her eyes again.

Her mind drifted off to a different time. She was 17 again and sitting in Lexa’s kitchen, watching her bake cookies. She had a cup of hot chocolate in front of her and a heart full of hope.

_ “Clarke were you listening to me?,” Lexa smiled at her even though her words or the tone of her voice wasn’t the smiley one. That was what she loved about her the most. Lexa always had a smile for Clarke. _

_ “I was too busy thinking.” _

_ “About what exactly?” _

_ “How it’s gonna be great to wife you someday,” Clarke jumped from her chair and walked around the counter to Lexa. “You cook, you bake and you’re great in bed,” she put her hands on both sides of Lexa’s neck. _

_ “My hands are dirty,” Lexa whispered when Clarke pushed her body into Lexa’s. _

_ “Like I care,” she leaned her head and kissed Lexa. Clarke dropped her hands from Lexa’s neck, gliding them down her shoulders and arms before grabbing her by the wrist and putting Lexa’s hands on her hips.  _

_ “You don’t have much to compare me to,” Lexa said. _

_ “And I don’t need or want to have anything else than you.” _

There was a time when Clarke tried to drink those memories away, good and bad. But the more she tried, the more they came back. 

Like memories of that night that turned out to be the beginning of the end. The night of Lexa’s birthday, or the day of. It was supposed to be a restart. Clarke wanted it more than anything in the world. But then she saw photos of Lexa hugging that girl. She saw photos of Costia’s lips pressed against Lexa’s cheek, her hand hanging loose around Lexa’s neck. Photos of Lexa being happy. Clarke’s insecurities won over her common sense. Distance was just too much to bear. She went out and didn’t come back until it was too late for any new beginning or restart.

“Stupid fucking child,” Clarke sighed into the empty hotel room. 

She took out her phone, her finger hovered over a name that made her heart skip a beat, even after all those years. She went with the safer one.

“I’m so stupid Raven.”

“Clarke?”

“So fucking stupid. I’ve put all the blame on her and she only had friends. She tried to tell me but I just wouldn’t listen, because I’m so fucking stupid.”

“Clarke are you okay? Did something happen?”

Somewhere next to Raven, Clarke heard a voice she could recognize anytime and anywhere. “Where are you?,” Clarke asked.

“Home.” The voices disappeared.

“I’m interrupting something, I’m so sorry, I should have texted before calling.”

“Clarke you are not interrupting anything,” Raven said. “We just had dinner. Are you okay?”

“I am, you should go back there.”

“Clarke it’s just Anya and Lexa. Tell me what’s wrong?” The only thing Clarke was capable of doing was breathing. “Clarke?,” Raven called her name when she didn’t say anything for more than a minute. “Clarke I know you are there,” Raven said, “tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’ve never apologized,” Clarke sighed. “I’ve done some really stupid shit and I’ve never properly apologized. And she’s so…”

“Then apologize,” Raven’s words were simple. 

“I broke up with Finn.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t tell anything to anyone, please.”

“Where are you now?”

“In a hotel.”

“Hotel? Why didn’t you come here?”

“I will tomorrow, if that’s okay.”

“Clarke you should come now, there’s no reason…”

“I need this to be between just you and me.”

“Okay but…”

“You don’t have to lie, if they ask tell them it was me on the phone, that I just needed to talk and that everything is fine.”

“Is everything fine?”

“Yes, I’m okay.”

“You are not stupid.”

Clarke chuckled, “Am I not?”

“No, just a clouded judgement,” Raven said. “First step is admitting and it’s the hardest one. Leap forward and you will be fine.”

“Thank you.”

* * *

“Cheer up Buttercup, it’s your birthday.”

“Hi Costia,” Lexa smiled opening the door wider.

“Happy birthday Lex,” Costia kissed her cheek and hugged her. “Booze and candy, your fav,” she gave Lexa the bag she was holding.

“You know me so well,” Lexa laughed and closed the door.

“You need help with anything?”

“All is set.”

“Of course it is,” Costia laughed. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be you. Am I the first one?”

“You are,” Lexa said. “Do you want something to eat, drink?”

“No, I’ll wait for the others. I don’t wanna be rude.” They sat on the couch, next to each other. “So how many people are we expecting?”

“Ten or so.”

“Wild party.”

“You know my style,” Lexa chuckled. “Clarke might come.”

“Oh,” Costia looked surprised. “Are we looking forward to that?”

“I don’t know,” Lexa said. “She came here the other night, it was… strange.”

“You talked?,” Costia turned sideways and leaned her head on the couch. 

“We did yes. She might still hold a couple of grudges against you.”

“That’s not surprising,” Costia chuckled. 

“I told her she has no reason, again.”

“I kinda understand her,” Costia said. “I was very much in love with you, or at least I thought I was. And she was far far away, a spectator.”

Lexa shook her head, “You weren’t in love with me.”

“I thought I was and I can understand why it looked like I was.”

“But I wasn’t.”

“Ouch, my heart.”

“Shut up,” Lexa laughed. “You knew that.”

“I did and you used to talk about her non stop, even if I wanted I knew I had no chance.”

“She doesn’t seem to understand that, not then and not now,” Lexa sighed. “I’m pretty sure she thinks I cheated.”

“Then she’s even more insecure than I thought,” Costia said. “How do you feel about all that?”

“All what?”

“Clarke being back.”

“How am I supposed to feel?”

“That’s what you need to tell me.”

“How would you feel?”

“I’d be freaking out.”

“Yeah,” Lexa said. “Clarke… has a boyfriend.”

“And he’s the biggest jerk in the world.”

“You don’t know the half of it.”

“I should probably say something to her, if she does show up.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Maybe, but I’ve been thinking, and it’s the only fair thing to do,” Costia said. “No matter what she thinks and how wrong she could be, I should say something.”

“You don’t have to,” Lexa said again.

“You look tired,” Costia decided to ignore her. “Are you sleeping?”

“Sometimes.” A loud sound spread through the room. “Looks like my guests have arrived.” Lexa got up from where she was sitting and walked to the door. 

“Hey birthday girl!,” Luna hugged Lexa as soon as the door opened. “Love you to the Moon and back.”

“Love you too,” Lexa smiled. She looked over Luna’s shoulder and saw she wasn’t the only one.

“Don’t look so surprised, you said 6 and it’s 6 now,” Lincoln was the next one in line. “Happy birthday,” he smiled before he kissed Lexa’s forehead. 

Then there was Octavia, nearly crashing Lexa to the floor and then Anya.

“They’ll be here in a couple of minutes,” Anya said to her in passing.

Lexa closed the door and with hands full of boxes and bags she went to her bedroom. “Make yourselves comfortable, eat and drink all you want,” she said before disappearing. 

Lexa used to love her birthdays. When she was younger it meant presents and when she was a bit older it meant fun with friends. Sometime, along the way, birthdays became a hassle. Lexa knew the exact moment, but pretended that she just got over it. But those people in her living room knew she didn’t just get over it. 

Lexa took a deep breath, put her shield back up and went back to the living room. A couple of minutes later, someone was knocking on her door, and because it was knocking and not ringing she knew it was Raven. She closed her eyes and opened them when she opened the door. And there they were.

“Happy birthday, ya filthy animal,” Raven was first. She hugged her and kissed her cheek, and Lexa tried to ignore the blonde girl standing behind Raven. “Many more to come,” Raven said.

“Thank you.”

It was Clarke’s turn now. “Hi,” she had a big box in her hands. “This is for you, it’s kinda heavy,” she awkwardly pushed it into Lexa’s hands. “Happy birthday,” she smiled.

Lexa welcomed the box being shoved in her hands because a touch would’ve been too much. “Thank you,” she said. “Come on, inside,” she said to both Raven and Clarke. “Everyone is already in,” Lexa pushed the door with her leg. “I’m gonna go put this in my room, I’ll be right back,” she said. 

* * *

“What’s wrong?,” Lexa managed to sneak up on her without Clarke noticing. She was standing in the corner of the room, alone and with a drink in her hand.

“Hm?,” Clarke first frowned then smiled.

“Why are you alone here?”

“I don’t like crowds.”

“Since when?,” Lexa lifted her brow. “And 6 people is hardly a crowd.”

“It’s your birthday I should ask you why are you not there.”

“I’m better in one on one situations.”

“Since when?,” Clarke smiled.

“I learn, adapt and overcome,” Lexa grinned.

“I like this place,” Clarke said, it was an opportunity to look away from Lexa, “it’s very you. But there is one thing I don’t like.”

“What’s that?”

“Your walls are empty.”

“Yeah,” Lexa said, “I couldn’t find the right painting to put up. And I’m still waiting for the one that you didn’t let me buy.”

“You will get it, patience,” Clarke chuckled.

“I realized as I grow older I’m starting to have it less and less.”

“Yeah? I’m the opposite.”

“Suiting,” Lexa smiled.

“But that painting wouldn’t fit here.”

“Why would you say that?”

“It’s too dark, you need something lighter, so it doesn’t drown in all this you have going on,” Clarke smiled.

“Then draw me something lighter,” Lexa said. “You could use a bit of color.”

“That’s really not my thing.”

“I can remember a time when it was.”

“Learn, adapt and overcome.”

Lexa laughed, “That’s fair,” Lexa put her hand behind Clarke’s back, her fingertips barely touched it before Clarke shivered. Lexa quickly pulled her hand away. “Come, there’s one person you still don’t know.”

“Birthday girl where’s the music?,” Luna asked when they walked to where she was sitting with Costia. “I don’t think I know you,” she frowned when she saw Clarke. “Wait, are you Clarke?”

“Behave Luna,” Lexa warned. 

“I am,” Clarke said baffled. “Nice to meet you.”

“I thought Clarke was supposed to have beautiful long hair?”

“Luna,” Lexa said. Clarke saw a streak of pink spreading across Lexa’s cheeks. 

“People cut their hair,” Costia was smiling when her eyes crossed path with Clarke’s. 

“I’m just shocked that you really exist,” Luna grinned. “I’ve heard so much about you I thought you were some kind of a mythical being...”

“Oh my God, will you shut up,” Lexa jumped in.

“No, you shut up,” Luna pulled Clarke’s hand and made her sit next to her. “Tell me Clarke, how big of a nerd Lexa really was?”

“They became friends because Lexa was a huge nerd,” Costia said.

“But where they ever really friends?”

“I’m gonna kill you both,” Lexa said.

“You won’t, Clarke will save us,” Luna smirked. “This one used to never shut up about you,” she said to Clarke.

“Yeah? What did she talk about?”

“Clarke,” Lexa said.

“Oh just everything, it was Clarke this, Clarke that, Clarke likes this, Clarke doesn’t like that, look at this thing Clarke drew, look how pretty Clarke is… Things like that.”

“But it was always only nice things,” Costia added.

“Luna, come here for a second,” Anya called from the other side of the room. 

“It was nice to meet you Clarke,” Luna smiled before leaping off to where Anya was.

“Forgive her, she just doesn’t know when to stop talking,” Costia said.

“It’s totally fine,” Clarke smiled. 

“You should probably go talk to the rest of your guests, you don’t want them feel unwelcome,” Costia looked at Lexa.

“Oh, no, I can do tha-”

“I agree,” Clarke smiled. 

“Okay…,” Lexa bit her lip.

“Off you go birthday girl,” Costia leaned and pushed Lexa further away.

“I’ll be back,” Lexa said before she left Costia and Clarke alone.

“She’s a mess,” Costia said after a couple moments of silence. She was looking at Lexa talking to Octavia. “But you can probably see that,” she smiled at Clarke.

“Listen, I…”

“Me first,” Costia interrupted her. “If that’s okay?”

“Sure.”

“I’m sorry if something I’ve said or done has hurt you, in any way. I’ve never wanted that to happen.”

“It’s okay, I know.”

“And she’s never done anything, please don’t think she did.”

“Costia, it’s okay,” Clarke said. “I should be the one apologizing, to both you and Lexa. I was a grade A bitch. Probably still am.”

“No, you weren’t you were just alone and distance makes you think a lot, sometimes you see things that don’t exist and other times you…,” Costia sighed. “I can’t even imagine,” she looked back at Lexa. “I mean I can, I’ve seen what it did to her, but still… I really am sorry if I was a cause of any of your pain. I hope one day you and I can be friends.”

“I hope so too,” Clarke smiled.

* * *

Lexa had been ignoring the big blue box, sitting in the corner of her room, for over a week. It was the one Clarke gave her for her birthday and Lexa felt stupid for still not opening it. But, every time she’d look at it, there was something inside her telling her to just close her eyes, turn her head the other way, pretend there was nothing there. It was just a box with just a present and it was just Clarke’s present in the big blue box.

“Have you opened it yet?,” Anya asked over coffee six days after the birthday.

“I plead the fifth.”

“This is not a courtroom.”

“It’s not? I could’ve sworn it was.” Anya had been asking and pestering and trying to make her finally open it. “If it was a bomb it would’ve already blown up,” she told her day after the birthday. “Are you scared a clown will jump out of it once you open it?,” she asked after two days. “You think you’ll like it, that’s why you are avoiding it,” she said day after that. 

“That trickery is not working for me. Why haven’t you opened it yet? Do you want me to come over and do it for you?”

“No.”

“Then just open it,” Anya sighed. “Don’t you wanna know what it is?”

“Why are you so interested?”

“Because I love you and…”

“Or because Raven won’t tell you,” Lexa said knowingly. “All this is just making me wanna wait even more before I open it.”

“Is it now?,” Anya leaned back in the chair. “Can’t wait to find out what Clarke thinks about it.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Watch me,” Anya smirked before pulling out her phone. “They are gonna be here in a couple of minutes.”

“I’m gonna kill you if you say something.”

“You wish,” Anya chuckled. She picked up the empty coffee cup in front of Lexa and put it in the sink. 

“Anya, I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

Almost at the same time that Lexa got up, wanting to leave before Clarke got there and Anya did something stupid, the door swung open and Raven and Clarke walked in. “Oh,” Raven briefly stopped when she saw Lexa, “Lexa, didn’t know you were here,” she said. “We would’ve brought more food.” Clarke was just behind her with two pizza boxes in her hands. She looked away when she saw Lexa was there. It was just like Anya to not tell them Lexa was there. “I was just getting ready to leave,” Lexa said.

“No, no, you should stay,” Raven rushed to stop Lexa from leaving, “we can order more if this won’t be enough.”

“No, really, I have an early meeting tomorrow and I should get going.”

“C’mon, an hour more won’t kill you.”

Lexa wished she could wipe the stupid grin from Anya’s face, “You shut up.”

“You shouldn’t be talking like that to your older sister,” Anya said.

“I feel like we’ve missed something,” Raven laughed. Lexa could see Clarke standing behind Raven. Being mad, or pretending to be mad at Anya, gave Lexa a chance to follow Clarke around the room. When she walked in she looked more than surprised to see Lexa standing on the other side of the room, she was never really that good at hiding her feelings, especially not with Lexa around. It was always loud and obvious and in your face, be it happiness, anger or sadness. This time Clarke looked confused and anxious. Anxious part was visible from her shuffling her feet, walking then stopping. She put the boxes on the kitchen counter, stood next to Anya and poured herself a glass of water. Never once looking at Lexa. “Clarke is on my side,” Anya put her hand around Clarke’s neck and winked at Lexa.

“Oh no, don’t put me in the middle of whatever you two have going on, that never ended good for me,” Clarke said.

“It was one time,” Anya laughed.

“It was only the biggest betrayal of my life,” Lexa said.

“See?,” Clarke looked at Anya and leaned her head on Anya’s shoulder.

Anya whispered something in Clarke’s ear that made her smile in a way that made Lexa’s heart want to jump out of her chest. 

“It’s not nice to whisper behind people’s back,” Raven opened one of the boxes and took a slice of pizza. 

“We are not behind your back,” Clarke was still smiling.

“She’s fuming,” Anya said pointing her finger at Lexa. “Should we tell her?” 

“Tell me what?,” Lexa frowned. She walked closer and stood next to where Raven was sitting and eating her pizza.

“I don’t know, we’ve kept it a secret all this time,” Clarke bit her lip. “She might kill us.”

“Me maybe, highly possible even, you doubtful.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Clarke chuckled.

“You were just an accomplice. I’m gonna tell her,” Anya looked up at Lexa.

“I wanna know what this big thing you are talking about is. And why don’t I know about it?,” Raven asked.

“It’s about that time when my chocolate chip cookies were better than Lexa’s,” Anya grinned.

“Ohhh, the great depression,” Raven laughed. “I remember that. And I know what the secret is,” she smirked.

“I hate all of you,” Lexa said.

“Do you remember the weekend after?,” Anya asked and at first Lexa didn’t understand what the weekend after had to do with anything. Then she saw a hint of red on Clarke’s cheeks and then she remembered. 

“Weekend like any other,” Lexa tried to play it cool. 

“Sure,” Anya said. “It was also the first time you two were in the house alone, with the freedom to do whatever.”

Raven was barely holding her laugh, Anya wasn’t even trying and Clarke’s smile was the biggest yet. “Why do you all know something I don’t?”

“I made a deal with Anya,” Clarke pulled her bottom lip between her teeth.

“What kind of a deal?” 

“I’d pick her cookie as the better ones and in return she took your mom and Lincoln for a weekend trip.”

It all started in Lexa’s stomach, the warmth that kept climbing up and up, filling her chest, neck and face with something she forgot she could feel. “Wow,” the smile on her face just kept getting bigger and bigger, no matter how hard she tried to stop it.

“I almost chickened out when I saw that sad puppy look on your face.”

“Bet that didn’t last long,” Anya said and earned an elbow in ribs from Clarke. “Ouch,” she pulled her hand away from Clarke’s neck. “She still hasn’t opened her present.” Clarke frowned but then her eyes softened and her lips curled in the faintest smile.

“When there are no witnesses around, I’m gonna kill you,” Lexa said.

“Please don’t,” Raven chuckled.

“Yeah, I have nothing to wear to prison,” Clarke jumped in. “Or funeral for that matter.”

“Next time you won’t plead the fifth,” Anya smirked. She took the opened box of pizza and pulled Raven by hand. “C’mon babe, let’s go watch something,” they settled on the couch, couple of feet behind Lexa’s back.

“I’m sorry for tricking you all those years ago,” Clarke finally said.

“I’m impressed you managed to keep a secret this long.”

“Who says it’s the only one?,” Clarke lifted her brow.

“Clarke Griffin, don’t play with me,” Lexa smiled. “I apologize for the stunt Anya pulled.”

“I’m kinda relieved you haven’t opened it.”

“Oh.”

“It’s not like that,” Clarke chuckled. 

“It’s not?” 

“I was hoping for a different kind of reaction, or any reaction at all,” Clarke said. “Shit, now you’ll feel pressured to have some kind of a reaction,” she sighed. “Let’s forget these last couple of minutes.”   
“Relax,” Lexa smiled. “Now I’m just curious what it is.”

“I have a really big mouth. I don’t know when it grew this big.”

“I think it’s the perfect size.” Lexa wanted to dig a hole under her feet and disappear without saying a word ever again to anyone. 

“Interesting choice of words, I must say,” Clarke chuckled.

“Apparently I’m an idiot.”

“Never,” Clarke smiled. “Can you ask you something?” 

“Sure.”

“Why haven’t you opened it?,” Clarke chewed on the inside of her cheek before speaking again. “I mean it’s not like you have to, but it’s just…”

“I haven’t found the right time.”

“Oh,” Lexa couldn’t read what it was in Clarke’s eyes. “You don’t have to hurry though,” Clarke said. “It’s just a stupid little thing,” she smiled.

“I’m sure it’s not.”

“You can say that only after you open it.”

“Okay, okay,” Lexa chuckled. 

Clarke pulled the remaining pizza box between them and opened it. She took the first slice and waited for Lexa to take one.

“I’m not eating if you aren’t,” Clarke said.

“What if I’m not hungry?”

“It’s free pizza.”

“Okay, you convinced me.”

Lexa took a slice and they continued to eat in silence. Occasionally Lexa would catch herself staring, or Clarke’s gaze turned out to be too hard to hold, so she’d look down. Other times her heart would be beating so fast she couldn’t do anything but stare. At the way Clarke’s lips were curled up in a small smile, the way her cheeks had a tiny bit of red, at the blue in Clarke’s eyes that she missed so much.

“I have to tell you something before Anya blurts it,” Clarke ended the silence they fell into.

“Okay,” Lexa said.

“I broke up with Finn.”

“Oh,” it took Lexa by surprise. “Are you okay?,” she asked.

“More than,” Clarke assured her. “It wasn’t working, as you could probably tell,” she chuckled, “it was for the best, for both of us to just end it. Even though he wasn’t as willing as I thought he’d be.”

“Did he do something?,” Lexa frowned.

“No, no, he didn’t, he was just against it, for a short second,” Clarke said.

“I thought you looked different, I’m glad I wasn’t wrong.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?,” Clarke laughed.

“It’s not my place to pry,” Lexa smiled. “But you look better than you did last time I saw you,” Lexa said. “I don’t mean physically, I mean yes that too, but more like how you are and… You look different, let’s leave it at that.”

“I’ve done some soul searching,” Clarke said. “Maybe it’s that.”

Lexa was sure that the smile Clarke flashed was going to haunt her later that night. “Wait, you two lived together, right?,” she asked.

“Yeah,” Clarke said. “I moved out. Or I’m in the process of moving out.”

“Oh.”

“I’m staying here, for a couple of days, week maybe, until I find a place,” Clarke said. “I would’ve stayed in a hotel but they insisted.”

“I for sure would’ve killed Anya if she let you sleep in a hotel.” A blush spread across Lexa’s cheeks as soon as the words left her mouth. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she quickly said. “I’m sorry, that whole situation must be hard,” she changed the subject back to Clarke’s breakup.

“Well, I guess it depends how you look at it,” Clarke said. “The whole moving thing is, the whole breakup thing not so much. God, I must sound like a bitch.”

“I know you’re not, so it doesn’t really matter how it sounds,” Lexa said. “What do you say we take this pizza and go ruin Anya’s night?”

“I’m all in.”

* * *

A big blue box with pretty white ribbon was waiting in the corner of Lexa’s room.

Lexa got home later than she thought she would. It was supposed to be one coffee with Anya and then it turned out into a whole night spent watching TV and eating pizza with Clarke by her side. The night wasn’t what Lexa thought it would be, but if she were to be honest, she’d admit that it was better.

It was past midnight when she got out of the shower and got in bed. 

She had to sleep. But the big blue box in the far right corner of the room was louder than her brain yelling at her to just close her eyes and sleep. 

She got up and sat on the floor, couple of inches away from the big blue box. She pulled one end of the ribbon and let it fall on the floor. 

“It just a box Lexa,” she laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation, shook her head in disbelief and opened the blue box. 

For a moment her heart stopped beating and she forgot how to breathe. She picked up the first bundle of paper, with the neatly tied bow around it. Then the second one. Then the one behind, then the next one, until there were ten thick bundles of paper spread on the floor. 

She took the one that was on the top of the box and removed the bow. Every piece of paper had a neatly written date in the upper right corner and Lexa’s name with a heart next to it in the lower right corner.

On every paper there was a small drawing of Lexa.

Lexa sitting in class.

Lexa laying on the floor watching the stars.

Lexa with friends.

Lexa staring at a computer screen.

Lexa smiling.

Lexa reading a book.

“Oh Clarke.” It was useless trying to stop the tears that were about to roll down her cheeks. Lexa didn’t have the strength to even try. She had a box full of Clarke’s memories. 

She took the next bundle and looked through the drawings. Some had tiny scribbled notes on them. 

The one where Lexa was watching the ocean Clarke had written ‘can’t wait to be there with you’.

The one where Lexa was sleeping had ‘you fell asleep on me and i’ve never seen something as cute’ written on it.

Lexa was getting close to the date when they last spoke. ‘future scares me now’ Clarke wrote under the drawing of Lexa looking in the distance. Next two bundles were just drawings of Lexa from the back. But Clarke had never missed a day.

The drawing with the date from the day of Clarke’s first art show had Lexa looking at the painting hanging on the wall, ‘wish you were there’, Clarke wrote under it. 

Under the first drawing of Lexa’s face, after hundreds without it, Clarke wrote ‘i miss this’.

Lexa rushed through the rest of it until she got to the last one. 

The day of her birthday. It was the first and only one without a drawing, just the note ‘there are things i’ve said and done that i’m going to regret until the day i die. it was never your fault.’

Lexa spent the night on her bedroom floor surrounded with hundreds of drawings Clarke made for her of her.

When the sun started to peek through the window, Lexa cancelled the meeting and called in sick. She curled up in her bed, fighting the urge to call Clarke. Soon sleep took over her and Lexa would’ve been grateful if Clarke wasn’t the only thing she dreamed of.

When she woke up, a couple of hours later, her phone was ringing. Lexa rolled over and saw it was Costia. Sixth time with twice as much texts.

When it rang again Lexa picked up.

“What the fuck Lexa? Are you dead?”

“I’m not dead.”

“You didn’t show up at work.”

“I’m not feeling very well.”

“I’ve seen you come in with a fever.”

“Costia I’m really not in the mood, do you need something?”

“I’m five minutes away from your place, do you want me to come?”

Lexa remembered the drawings scattered around her bed. “No,” she said.

“I can bring you food and make you something hot to drink.”

“I’m not sick.”

“I thought you weren’t feeling very well?”

“I just need to be alone.”

“Last time you said that you spent two weeks without leaving your room and you weren’t feeling any better,” Costia said. “I’ll be there in five.”

“Costia, it’s-”

“I don’t wanna hear it.”

Costia ended the call before Lexa could say anything else. She got up from the bed and put the drawings back in the big blue box and closed it. She went into bathroom, splashed her face with cold water and tried to not look like she had spent the night crying.

It took Costia three minutes to be in her apartment.

“I gave you that key in case of an emergency,” Lexa said when she saw her walking to her.

“I’ve felt like this was a pretty big emergency.”

“You shouldn’t have come,” Lexa lied down on the couch and closed her eyes. 

“Lexa you are my best friend and you soun-”

“I’ve told you I just need to be alone.”

Lexa heard Costia walk and then she felt Costia’s fingers on her hand. “What did she do?”

“She didn’t do anything,” Lexa sat up and put her hand over her face. “She’s not the devil, you know?”

“I know,” Costia pulled her hand off of her face,” but you have heartbreak in your eyes and she’s the only one that can do that.” 

“She gave a present for my birthday, a box full of ten years worth of drawings, doodles of me.”

“Like those you have hidden under your bed?”

“I was so sure I was over it all, her and what happened and… I don’t know what to do.”

Costia got up from the floor and sat next to Lexa. For the next couple of minutes she did nothing but rub Lexa’s back. “What do you want to do?,” she eventually said. “Not what you think you should do, but what you really want?”

“I wanna see her.”

“And what do you think about that?” 

“I think I shouldn’t do it.”

“Why?”

“Because when I see her I forget.”

“And you think that’s bad?”

“You don’t?”

“Well I don’t think you forget anything,” Costia said. “I think you just don’t care. I’ve seen you spend so many years convincing yourself you were over your highschool romance, but then every time someone mentioned her, for a tiniest moment, your face would light up the same way it did when you were still together and you were talking about her. Then it would disappear and you’d be back to your poker face.”

“There no chance things are ever going back to the way they were.”

“That would be the smart thing to do, no matter if you end up doing it with Clarke or without her,” Costia chuckled. “But I think you should see her and talk with her. But spend less time talking and more listening,” she got up. “Just don’t hole up in your room like the last time.”

* * *

It was 3pm when Clarke got the text she wasn’t expecting. 

_ Do you think we could talk? _

 

_ I don’t see why not. _

 

_ Are you still with Raven and Anya? _

_ We can meet there. Or at my place. _

_ Or for coffee. _

  
  


_ I can come over. _

_ If you want. _

 

_ That’d be nice. _

 

_ Tonight? _

 

_ 7? _

 

_ See you then. _

 

Lexa opened her present. Clarke knew there was no other reason why Lexa would send her that text out of nowhere. It either went the way Clarke wanted it or really really bad.

“I’m going to Lexa’s place later,” she put the phone down. Raven was sitting next to her, they were watching some movie Clarke didn’t know the name or plot of.

“You are?”

“I think she saw the drawings and wants to talk about it.”

“That’s good, right? That’s what we wanted?”

“Maybe.”

“No maybe Clarke. You know what you have to do.”

“I do, yes.”

It was 3 when Lexa texted her and 7 came with a blink of an eye. Clarke was in front of Lexa’s door, gathering courage to ring the bell. “Just Lexa,” she whispered to herself as waited for Lexa to open the door. It was a matter of seconds before Lexa appeared in front of her in sweatpants and a shirt, her hair was damp and curly. Clarke couldn’t help but smile. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi. Come in,” Lexa looked nervous, the type of nervous that made her not be able to stand still.

Clarke walked in and turned around to face her. “I have to say something.”

“We have to talk,” Lexa was keeping a safe distance between them.

“Yes, but can I go first, please?” 

“Did you open it?”

“Yes.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Clarke.”

“I’m sorry for giving up,” Clarke couldn’t look Lexa in the eyes. “When I left, the only thing that kept me going, that made me get up from the bed in the morning and go to class and survive the day, was the fact that I’d be going home to you in 6 months.”

“Clarke you don’t have to…”

“But I’ve never even imagined it to be that hard. It was so hard Lexa. We went from spending every minute of every hour of every day together to Skype calls and texts and I didn’t know how to cope or deal with it,” Clarke said. “I started to imagine you with all the people you kept talking about, then I started seeing you with them and I convinced myself that you didn’t miss me.”

“Clarke…,” Lexa looked like she wanted to reach and touch her. But she didn’t, she just stood there and watched her.

“I hated them. It was so easy and so stupid, but I was so jealous of everyone,” Clarke chuckled. “I even tried to get you to be jealous, but I never managed to do it.”

“I was jealous.”

“Then you were really good at hiding it,” Clarke said. “I’m sorry I missed your birthday. I remember being so excited about it,” Lexa’s eyes carried sadness Clarke had never seen before there. Clarke shook her head. “I got plane tickets.”

“Cl-” 

“But then a photo of Costia, kissing you here,” Clarke put a finger on her jaw, just below her mouth, “popped on my phone. You told me you weren’t going out before our call, that you’d spend the morning alone, and my mind processed that photo as you lying to me.”

“They surprised me, I didn’t know they were going to do that, I told them I had a date with you, but they came for five minutes and left and it was just that.”

“I know that now, but in that moment I just wanted to do something to hurt you as much as that hurt me.”

“You got plane tickets?”

“I teared it up, before going out, like a complete idiot that I am.”

“Oh Clarke,” Lexa sat on the floor, she knew ground was the only thing solid enough to keep her from crumbling to pieces. “Why didn’t you say something? Why did you turn us into one of those people who don’t talk and… Jesus.”

“I didn’t want to boss you around.”

Lexa laughed, her head fell back and hit the chair behind her, “You kept yelling at me, telling me to not hang out with her.”

“I know,” Clarke felt empty, “I should’ve yelled how much I loved you.”

“No Clarke, you just had to trust me.”

“You were the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world and you were surrounded with smart and pretty girls and I was on the other side of the world, drawing and being annoying.”

Lexa got up on her feet, “Clarke,” she closed the distance between them.

“I was…”

“No, stop,” it looked like Lexa was searching for something in Clarke’s eyes. “Close your eyes.”

“Lexa I-”

“Close your eyes Clarke please.” After hesitating, Clarke did eventually close her eyes. “Do you know what haunts me to this day?,” Lexa’s words were soft and just above a whisper. “Do you remember that day when we got in a fight about you going or not going?” 

“Yes,” Clarke’s eyes were still closed.

“Do you remember what you told me that night when I came back to your house?”

Clarke’s eyes snapped open, “Lexa, those were just words I said, it didn’t…”

“You said you’d never forgive me if you lose me because of it.”

“Lexa, I didn’t lose you because I left.”

“Close your eyes Clarke, please.”

“Why?”

“I don’t trust myself when I’m looking at your eyes.” As Clarke closed her eyes again, a tear rolled down her cheek. Lexa caught it before it got to Clarke’s mouth. “You kept your promise.”

“Always.”

“I like the faceless ones the best.”

Clarke smiled, “I knew you would.”

“There’s a lot of them.”

“I used to break down crying every time I tried to draw your face.”

“Ah, that’s why the ones in the gallery were so rough and angry looking,” Lexa said. “I kinda cry laughed when I saw that the first one where I had a face was me peeking behind a book.”

Clarke opened her eyes and grinned, “I caved in, I just couldn’t help it, I begged Anya for a photo and it was you reading something, looking over the book and it reminded me of all those times when you used to pretend you were studying but were in fact staring at me using a book as a co-” Suddenly Clarke felt she was in heaven. She wished that was what death would feel like. 

Lexa’s lips pressed against her own.

Lexa’s hands cupping her face, her thumbs slowly caressing her cheek. 

Lexa humming into her mouth. 

Before Clarke even had a chance to react, Lexa’s tongue was in her mouth, accompanied with a muffled moan. A hand was in her hair and the other was going down her back pulling her closer and closer and closer until she couldn’t tell Lexa’s heartbeats from her own.

There was an unfamiliar sense of urge in Lexa kissing her. It wasn’t exploring, it wasn’t remembering, it wasn’t catching up. It was taking and taking and Clarke felt like she was about to explode.

“Lexa, slow down.”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled out but didn’t stop taking. Her hand somehow ended under Clarke’s shirt, lighting on fire everything she touched, both on skin and behind it. 

“Lexa,” Clarke’s hand was on the side of Lexa’s neck, “stop,” she whispered.

There was a panic in Lexa’s eyes when she pulled back, one that Clarke knew, one she saw once before. “Just, slow down.”

“I’m sorry,” Lexa stepped away from Clarke. “I don’t know why I did that, I’m sorry,” Lexa’s lips were red and swollen and Clarke didn’t know if it was Lexa’s doing or her own. “I shouldn’t have done that. It won’t happen again.”

Where there was a warmth of Lexa’s hands and body, just a second ago, now there was a cold nothing. “Do you want me to leave?.” All Clarke wanted to hear was a simple no.

“Yeah, maybe you should.” But she got the one thing she dared to hope she wouldn’t get.

“Okay,” she nodded. Before she opened the door she turned around once more, “I just want you to know that I forgive you everything you think you did wrong. I’ve forgiven you everything there was to forgive a long time ago. You deserve a life without regrets and if me forgiving something means you will have it, then I forgive you everything,” Clarke tried to smile. “And I hope one day when you think of me you won’t have that sadness that’s filling your eyes and that you’ll forgive every stupid thing I’ve done, because I swear if I could do it again I’d never ever do it like that.”

Clarke closed the door and walked as if her life depended on her getting out of that building and far from Lexa as fast as she could. Once she got out she continued to walk, she didn’t care where, she just had to keep going and going and going. But then she felt something, someone, grab her hand and stop her. She heard a faint “Clarke,” and the next second she was in Lexa’s arms, being kissed. Soft and gentle. Clarke almost forgot how soft Lexa was. 

“My lungs are on fire.”

Lexa’s hand was on Clarke’s chest before going around her neck, “I’ll put it out.” Clarke felt like she was seventeen again, laying in her bed with Lexa hovering above her.

“Not like that you won’t,” Clarke chuckled when Lexa pulled back again.

“Haven’t you learned that you should never doubt me Clarke?”

“You’re right,” Clarke smiled. 

“It’s not sadness,” Lexa leaned her forehead on Clarke’s. “It’s regret for not getting on a plane and slapping some sense into this head of yours.”

“Maybe it’s not too late.”

“Maybe I should try.”


	5. Chapter 5

They spent the first date on Lexa’s couch.

“It was exhausting, but it’s worth it now.”

Lexa was the one who asked and Clarke was the one who said yes before Lexa even finished the sentence. They’ve spent that first night in a bar of all places, talking about missed years. They never touched or dreamed of doing what they did on the street, but Clarke did get a good night hug. 

“Well if it means anything I think you are doing something great and your mom must be so proud, everyone probably is.”

They were on the second bottle of wine. Halfway through the first one Clarke felt it getting to her head. She felt light headed and light hearted and she never even thought about stopping herself from staring.

“Thank you Clarke.” Lexa smiled then put her glass down and laughed. “I’m so drunk,” she leaned back and looked up at the ceiling.

Clarke did the same. “You don’t look drunk.” 

“I got better at hiding it.”

“I’m also kinda drunk.”

“We should’ve stopped at one.”

“Where’s fun in that?”

“You look really pretty.”

“Your wall? Yeah it’s not bad.”

“I’m glad your humor hasn’t left you.”

“Never.” Clarke tilted her head and smiled at Lexa. “I should probably get going.”

“Probably.”

Clarke sat up and stretched her hands behind her back. “This was fun,” she looked to the side and noticed Lexa smiling at her. “What?,” she asked.

“You have a tattoo on your hip?”

“Is that a question?”

“Maybe.”

“I have yes.” Clarke lifted her shirt a bit, there was a tiny green butterfly on her hip. “Do you like it?”

“It’s nice.” Lexa traced her fingers around it and Clarke shivered.

“Tickling,” Clarke whispered.

“Since when?” Lexa pulled Clarke’s shirt down. She pressed palm of her hand on Clarke’s lower back and scratched gently with her fingers.

“I don’t know.”

“Liar.” Lexa leaned her forehead on Clarke’s shoulder blade. Feeling Clarke’s heart beat as fast as hers was the most comfort she got in years.

“I thought we were taking things slow.”

“We are.”

“We are both drunk.”

“I’m not gonna do anything.” Lexa put her chin on Clarke’s shoulder and her nose in Clarke’s hair. “Just a couple of minutes, please.” Clarke reached for Lexa’s other hand and put it in her lap. “Thank you.”

* * *

They spent the second date in a restaurant, laughing over a candle lit dinner.

“This is the fanciest dinner we’ve ever had.”

“I think that time you cooked spaghetti was fancier.”

“What made it fancy? The worst spaghetti you’ve probably ever had or the fact that my mom was in the room next door?” 

“A bit of both.”

“Well this one beats it, for sure.”

“Never.”

“Why?”

“Look around,” Lexa said. “We so don’t belong here. You see the blonde woman, to my left, in blue with that old dude,” Lexa waited until Clarke nodded that she saw them, “they haven’t stopped staring at us.”

“She’s just jealous I have a hotter date.”

“What about him?”

“He’s jealous your blonde is better than his.”

“I have the best blonde in the room.”

“Just in the room?”

“You never know what’s outside.”

“Ouch.”

“Let’s look at it different way,” Lexa said. “Any time I’m in any room, my blonde is the best blonde in that room.”

Clarke’s heart fluttered every time Lexa said my and blonde in the same breath. “That’s a whole lotta words just to say that I’m the hottest blonde in the world.”

“You know I talk too much.”

“Only when you’re nervous, why are you nervous, Lexa?”

“I have the hottest blonde in the world sitting in front of me.”

“You’ve always been a sweet talker.”

* * *

“I hear you’re going on dates.”

“Who told you that?” Clarke frowned from across the table.

“Little birdie.” Raven had a smile on her face.

“Noisy birdie.”

“Well are you?”

“I wouldn’t call it dates. We are just spending time together. Taking things slow.”

“How long will that last?,” Raven teased.

“However long it takes.”

“What’s the plan then?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I won’t make any plans. What happens happens.”

“That’s a first.”

“I know.”

* * *

Third one was a double one, with Anya and Raven.

They were in a crowded bar, it was loud and Lexa hated loud bars. But this time it wasn’t that bad because Clarke was close and the louder it got the closer Clarke was to her. 

Lexa got drunk, a bit too much way too early.

“Do you want me to take you home?,” Clarke whispered in her ear but all Lexa could focus on was Clarke’s hand on her knee. “Lexa?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you want me to take you home?”

“I wanna see your new place.”

“That’s not the best idea you’ve had,” Clarke chuckled.

“Why?” Lexa groaned when Clarke moved her hand from Lexa’s knee.  “Don’t do that,” she took Clarke’s hand and put it back where it was. “I like when you touch me.”

“She’s so drunk,” Clarke said to her friends sitting across the tiny table.

“Has she professed her undying love yet?,” Anya yelled so loud that even Lexa heard her.

“Shut up Anya.” Lexa said and blushed when she heard Clarke’s laugh.

“She’s not too drunk then,” Anya smirked.

“I’m gonna take her home.” Clarke took Lexa’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?,” Lexa said as they stumbled out of the bar.

“Bed. Can you walk?”

“Of course I can. I’ll show you.” Lexa took one step, then the other and with the third one she almost fell down. Clarke jumped in and helped her stay on her feet. “See?”

“Great job,” Clarke chuckled. “Let’s go lightweight.” They had 20 minutes of walking to get to Lexa’s apartment. Clarke hoped they get there in 30.

“I’m not lightweight.”

“Of course you’re not.”

“It’s your fault.”   
“Is it now?” 

“Yes.”

“Then I apologize.” 

“I forgive you.” Lexa leaned her head on Clarke’s shoulder.

“Don’t fall asleep.”

“We are walking Clarke, don’t be silly.”

“You’re right,” Clarke smiled.

“Clarke.” Lexa said after a couple of minutes.

“Yes.”

“I gotta tell you something.”

“I’m listening.”

“Sometimes I can’t sleep and I think about you and then I sleep.”

“You used to read boring books when you couldn’t fall asleep. Am I a boring book?,” Clarke teased her drunk companion.

“What?,” Lexa looked shocked. She stopped walking and made Clarke stop. “You are nothing like those books,” she said with the most serious looking face a drunk person could pull. “You are the opposite of those books.”

“Really?,” Clarke tried to hide her smile and match Lexa’s seriousness.

“Yes Clarke, you are pretty and funny and not boring, nothing like those books.”

“I believe you.” Clarke took Lexa’s hand under hers. “C’mon on it’s just a couple more minutes.” They started to walk again, hand in hand and Lexa’s head on Clarke’s shoulder.

“I have a secret to tell you,” Lexa said when she gave Clarke the key to her apartment.

“What is it?” Clarke unlocked the door and let Lexa get in first. She closed them and locked when they both got in. When she turned around she saw Lexa trying to pull her shirt over her head. 

“I’m stuck Clarke, help,” Lexa spinned around not knowing where Clarke was.

It took Clarke more seconds than she was ready to admit to pull her eyes away from Lexa’s half naked body. “Slow down,” she said when she helped Lexa take her shirt off.

“Too hot.” Lexa’s hands were on Clarke’s shoulders.

“Do you want me to turn AC on?”

“What?,” Lexa frowned. “Not me, you.”

“Oh.” 

“Do you wanna hear that secret?”

“Yes.”

“Those boring books.”

“What about them?”

“I’ve never read them.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I couldn’t sleep I’ve always thought about you.”

Clarke laughed. “You’re lucky I like you so I won’t make you relive this in the morning.”

“You like me.”

“Yes,” Clarke smiled.

“Why don’t we kiss?”

“You want us to kiss?”

“I think it’s stupid.”

“It was your idea.”

“Stupid.”

“Do you want me to kiss you?”

“Will you?”

“If sober Lexa wants it.”

“She’s stupid.”

“No, she’s not. She’s really cool.”

“You are biased.”

“Am I now?”

“You are.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because you like me.”

“Yes I do.”

* * *

“Who is gonna make the first move?”

“Hmm?”

“You are digging a hole at the back of her head.” Lexa and Costia were sitting on the balcony looking inside at the mini party happening.

“I’m not.” Lexa turned her head from looking at Clarke to staring at Costia.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.”

“Well I’m not doing it anymore.”

“Who is gonna make the first move?”

“First move at what?”

“Don’t play dumb, it doesn’t sit well with you.”

“We’re taking things slow.”

“That’s what you keep saying to everyone but I’m asking you who is gonna make the first move?”

“Have you asked Clarke that?”

“Do you want me to?”

“No.”

“Just do something.”

“I am.”

“What? Taking her out until the end of your days?,” Costia said. “She’s waiting for you to do something.”

“Who told you that?”

“My eyes.”

“They are playing tricks on you.”

“Smartass.”

* * *

“You look bored.”

Clarke’s face lit up when she saw Lexa standing behind her. “I am, but don’t tell anyone.”

“Your secrets are safe with me.” Lexa saw Clarke eyeing the glass in her hand. “It’s just water.”

“Too bad,” Clarke smirked.

“I bet.”

“Drunk Lexa is really fun.”

“Do you wanna dance?”

“With you?”

“Who else?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you?”

“Yes, but no one is dancing.”

“That doesn’t mean we can’t.”

Lexa led them to an empty room down the hall. “Where are we?” It was dark and Clarke couldn’t see anything. She had to rely on Lexa guiding her around.

“Anya’s library.” 

Lexa was much closer than Clarke anticipated her being. Her front was pressed into Clarke’s back and her hands were holding Clarke’s. “There’s no music.”

“I lied.”

Clarke turned around tracing with her hands outlines of Lexa’s body until she got to her neck, “I kinda hoped you would.”

“Lie?”

“Yes.”

Lexa’s thumbs snuck under Clarke’s shirt. “Why?”

“I don’t wanna dance.”

“What do you wanna do?”

“Kiss you.” Clarke gripped the collar of Lexa’s shirt and pressed her against the door behind her. “Can I, please?”

“What?” Lexa was already out of breath, having Clarke’s body on her like it was in that moment made her seize any control she might have had.

“Kiss you.”

“Yes.” Then Clarke kissed her with all the passion and softness of the years that they lost, the hours they could never get back. The tears and laughs they missed. She kissed her for all the years she hoped they were going to get back. She pushed her leg between Lexa’s thighs, reached down until she had Lexa’s skin under her fingers. 

Lexa’s head hit the door behind her, loud thud and a chuckle replaced with a soft moan when Clarke’s mouth got to her neck. 

“I’ve missed you so much.” Clarke’s hands went down around when she grabbed Lexa’s ass. “The way you smell and taste,” she licked the skin that was previously in her mouth. “The way you sound when you want me.”

Lexa bucked her hips forward. “Come here,” she pulled Clarke’s head in front of her.

“Can I take this off, please.” Clarke tugged down at Lexa’s shirt. 

Lexa chuckled before kissing her again. “We are not alone.”

“Everyone is far away.”

“They are gonna find us.”

“They won’t look for us.”

“I want you in my bed.”

“Then take me to your bed.”

* * *

“Clarke.” Lexa snuggled closer under Clarke’s chin. “Sleep.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to, it’s almost 4 in the morning.”

“I don’t care.” Clarke’s heart was beating slow and steady, it was so soothing that Lexa was almost asleep.

“Why?”

“The same reason why your hand is where it is.”

“It’s just your back.” 

“And you’re holding onto it as if your life depends on it.”

Lexa smiled, her hand went lower until it was on Clarke’s ass. “Better safe than sorry.”

“I don’t really wanna talk.”

“You don’t wanna sleep, you don’t wanna talk, what do you wanna do?”

“Be with you.”

* * *

“When will you announce it to the world?”

“Announce what?” Lexa looked up from her phone. Anya had a stupid smile plastered across her face.

“That you are off market.”

“I’m not.”

“Not that again.”

“We’re jus-”

“Taking things slow, I’ve heard,” Anya rolled her eyes. “You’re also spending every free second of your lives together. And you’re also having sex.”

“It is what it is.”

“You two sound like a broken record.”

“Let us be broken in peace then.”

* * *

“This time I’m not tak- oh, Clarke,” Costia stopped mid sentence when she saw Clarke was the one who opened the door of Lexa’s apartment.

“Hi.” 

“I wasn’t expecting you, sorry,” she shook her head and smiled. “I can leave.”

“No,” Clarke closed the door, “no,” she said again. “No need for that. Lexa just went to the store, she’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Do you want something to drink?”

“No, thank you,” Costia smiled. “It looks good on you.”

Clarke was wearing Lexa’s old hoodie. “Thank you.”

“And you look good on Lexa. Much more than before.”

“I’ve told her to not cancel on you but she won’t listen.”

“She’s a jerk but I get it.”

“We should get out some time, for coffee or something.”

“Three of us?”

“No, just you and me,” Clarke said. “I have debts I have to pay and I wanna  get to know you.”

“I’d like that.”

* * *

It was both of theirs first time back home. Or to a place that once was home. Abby’s birthday was the excuse but a fresh start was the real reason.

“I thought I’d find you here.”

“It looks different.”

Lexa put the bag she was carrying down and sat next to Clarke. “I think it looks the same.”

“The bench is new.”

“A lot of things are.”

“What’s that?,” Clarke pointed to the bag between Lexa’s legs.

“Your mom’s present.”

“She’ll kill you.”

“She’d never. I’m her favorite.”

“You really are,” Clarke leaned and kissed Lexa’s cheek.

“What was that for?”

“For being her favorite.”

“Oh, I thought it was for something else.” Lexa turned her head and looked in front of them. To where sky met the ocean.

“What did you think it was for?” Clarke was looking at her.

“For being your favorite.” Lexa looked at her and smiled.

“Cheeky.”

“I was wrong, all those years ago.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I compared your eyes to something as simple as that thing,” Lexa pointed her finger far away. “Nothing in this world compares to your eyes.” Lexa’s smile brought tears to Clarke’s eyes. “Don’t cry.” Lexa kissed her.

“I love you,” Clarke whispered against Lexa’s mouth.

“I love you more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it ends.  
> It was supposed to be 4 chapters but then I decided this fit better as a standalone.
> 
> Some might know I hate ending things, hope this one is not too bad.
> 
> Thank you all lots!

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts feelings? Love it hate it?
> 
> Sorry for any and all mistakes.  
> Shoutout out to my gf, you're the best.
> 
> Come find me at ordinarklo.tumblr.com


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